The Doctors.

In all honesty, when I first found out we were expecting little N, I wasn't exactly thrilled. It's not that I was opposed to the idea of being pregnant again, my heart just was not ready. I had just recently had a miscarriage with no known causes or reasons - my second time having a 2nd-trimester miscarriage - and I was still being tossed around by the idea of a God that would choose to take not just one but two seemingly perfectly healthy babies onto heaven when - in my opinion - they would've had a pretty decent life here on earth (I know that sounds so arrogant (it is), but it's honestly one of the things I struggled with the most).

My mothering instincts kicked in quickly though, regardless of whether my heart was going to engage or not. I scheduled an appointment with yet another OB, hoping this time that someone would give me an answer to why I could so easily get pregnant but not carry a baby to term - this fact alone was becoming maddening.

My first visit with the new OB proved she wasn't for me, though. I'm sure she was truly great in her field, but I was looking for answers and she just wanted me to trust that she could take care of me without filling me in on all the details and allowing me to bring my questions and thoughts and limited research to the table. Probably a great way to run a practice (she IS the expert), but this girl was having a hard enough time trusting GOD - much less a human.

On the advice of a good great friend, I ended up at a midwife clinic about an hour and a half away - definitely a haul but totally worth it so far. They ended up referring me to a specialist and it was there that I finally started to get some (earthly) answers regarding the source of my prenatal issues. The bottom line is that I have some genetic predispositions plus some acute immunodeficiency responses that are combining to make my womb a difficult place for a baby to thrive. There are some medical interventions that the specialist recommended that we are currently following that has seemed so far to allow me to continue unhindered with this pregnancy. But the funny/interesting part is that many of these issues, because they are genetic, were present when I was pregnant with E as well, and I never had any problems at all with her pregnancy. Which wraps back around to God's sovereignty and omnipotence in all things, leaving me thankful for modern medicine but ultimately completely dependent on the grace and mercy that the Lord provides to us on a daily basis regarding the future of our family (well, and all other things really).