A note from him...

For once, I (Lawson) will actually be updating the world on the current events of the Bost house hold. It would seem only fitting that I would do it this time, mainly because where we are currently stand in this journey of our life has much to do with my decision making. 

Two months ago, I made a daring and somewhat foolhardy decision to move our family, to both get my family out of the area that we were currently living in and to accommodate a dear friend that needed a place to stay as he made some big life transitions. The plan was simple, rent the house for the next 6 months to a year, while putting the house on the market and sell it, and in the meantime temporarily move into the basement of some really gracious friends while we found a house to rent. Simple right? (Oh yeah, both be parents, working multiple jobs, E finish up Kindergarden, and me in Grad school…..right). I mean we had energy behind this! No longer spinning our wheels, we were going in a direction of purpose and moving forward. What could go wrong?

Well, kind of everything. Nothing went to plan, other than E finished up kindergarten, and we are still working our great jobs and being parents.The main goals that I sat out to accomplish did not come to fruition, as I am currently writing this monologue and confession back in the house of where this story originally started…. 2 months ago. 

I sit here asking the Lord what was the point? What was the point of moving my family across town, displacing them, facilitating stress, drama, and whole lot of instability of that which my wife craves from me? Did I fail? Did it just not work out because it wasn’t supposed to? Or was it a combination of both? I am sure there are a plethora of perspectives both good and mildly depressing that could be generated as to the why. I will let Time, Wisdom, and most of The Lord judge me accordingly. 

But now I am going to attempt to do something that I don’t think happens that often: I am going to be transparent about who I am to the degree that it does a couple of things. 1. It depicts the reality that I, Lawson, am a fool at times and that I don’t, in the least bit, have it all together. 2. God through Jesus Christ is simply stunning in how He takes our fallen, dirty, broken, and messed up efforts and turns it into something beautiful for his name’s sake by his ever arriving Grace…. i.e., that God would get all the Glory for anything good that happens. 3. Lastly, that somebody would get something out of my/our little story. 

Men don’t usually own the crap that they either created and/or are stepping in. I’m 31 years old, and over my years I have seen a lack of this trait. I am one of those men. If I can, I will take the coward’s way and show it wasn’t my fault and there were circumstances that lead to my alleged failure. At the end of the day, when it all shakes out, someone has to take responsibility. Those of you who are reading, and do not have a Biblical worldview will find this silly and sad all at the same time, but for me and my household it is the man in the house that will take ultimate responsibility. If that strikes you as odd or you disagree, read the Bible, it’s in there. But let me make something clear: taking ultimate responsibility and owning every word, action, emotion, and thought that has taken place are not the same thing. This is where I can get in trouble. I will usually try to own every person’s emotion and be responsible for EVERYONE’S actions. Wrong. Not possible. I do not have the power. 

If I had to guess, most people when they look at me with a certain set of lenses would not see me as man’s man. Now, I understand that is all based on a perspective and how you see the world, yet that is my point. No one is really talking about masculinity really and certainly with no real standard. It is way too subjective, to the degree that some say you are only a man if you are a country boy and have swagger. Or if you can sleep with any girl your bros dare you to. Some Worldviews require you to be at least country strong and be able to fix whatever comes your way. Others see men as just lone-rangers, looking for the next adventure, the next thrill, the next chase. My favorite masculine role is don’t show emotion. Don’t show life, frustrations, disappointments, failures, and tragedy are getting to you. Button it up, be strong, and do not show that you are that vulnerable. I mean, who is defining what a man is? I know that my God defines it well and you’ve got to have some standard, or we’ll end up the worst version of masculine selves. 

Hear me clear, I am not saying it is wrong to be strong for those that you love and those that look to you for strength. Paul told Timothy to be Strong. God told Joshua just after Moses dies as he was about to lead millions of his brothers into the promise land to be strong and courageous, I say again be strong and very courageous.  So where am I currently looking? Jesus. He had it all: humility, strength, resolve, endurance, an indomitable spirit. I think Hebrews 12:1-2 sums it well. So do not mishear me. But what I am saying is this: being strong for others without humility in strength will be found out for the weakness it is. 

So if you have not heard it yet, I will it say it plainly: I am responsible for not accomplishing the vision that I sat out to accomplish. I do own my part in not facilitating stability for my family. I am in need of a savior in Jesus to extend Grace to my many shortcomings as a husband, father, and leader. 

So why would I do this in public? Why would I make myself look the fool in front of friends and stranger alike? Well, back up in paragraph six I listed out three main objectives for this little ditty. But as I write this, I realize a couple of other reasons:  not many men do this type of thing. I would love to change that. I know why. They think, “Man, if they only knew I did this or said that, no one would ever trust me!” I’m calling B.S. All dudes are in the same boat. We strive, we work hard, we fail and we nose dive. Welcome to planet earth. I find myself writing this because I wish other men would go there with me. I’m not saying I’m some self-righteous person and this is really easy, ask my accountability group, they’ll tell ya I suck at this. But it needs to start some where. Why not now. 

But I find myself more writing this for my wife. Through my faults and failures I have hurt and frightened the one precious and treasured thing on this earth to me, and I can scarcely bear it. I write this so she doesn’t have to protect some false image of me. I write this so she can have some burden lifted and with confidence to know The Lord protects me and renews. 

So what now Lawson? You wrote this grand essay entitled The Life and Times of the Biggest Goober, what are you going to do now? I am going to do the one thing I know that I am gifted with: enacting resiliency: the ability to retain one’s shape no matter how deeply the stress of the impact for the intended purpose of pushing forward and pressing on toward the goal. I think men can grab hold of a concept like that, at least this one can. 

As my wise and good friend always said, “Your either growing or die’in. You can’t stay the same.” Thanks for sticking with me in this essay and may we always keep staying the course. 

LB

          

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