Truth be told, as much of a miracle and precious gift our sweet N has been, it has been equally challenging and frustrating to figure out how to love her best. Without making any other comparisons between the two (because that's just not fair), this sums it up best I think: with E, it was as if I instantly knew her, knew what she needed, understood her cries, and we just 'connected;' with N, I feel confused, lost, struggling against hopelessness with a myriad of issues and, instead of connecting, I feel like we are one of those oil and water pieces that sits on side tables - shoved together inside the same container but, because of the physical properties that exist in each substance, completely unable to meld.
Don't get me wrong, I love her dearly. And each day we are working at it. I am not going to give up on her. But I have sat many days in the middle of tears, praying and struggling against the notion that I/we deserve better. That because I am working so hard to resolve the issues she faces, that we should be in a better place by now. That because I have given up every last food on the planet except rice, beans and chicken (Dear Chocolate: I miss you...), that I should be rewarded with a baby who doesn't scream after every meal. That because our family loves her so much and tries so hard to give her everything she could possibly need (even a big 4-year-old sister that would go to the moon and back for her), that she would've learned by now to trust us, to smile at us, to wake up happy that she has been borne into this family that loves her so dearly. That because of all my prayers and tears and pleas, God should be moving in ways that I understand a little more.
And then, in middle of a 4am crying jag, I read this:
"The proud heart believes “I deserve better.” It finds itself worthy not only of what it currently possesses, but also of whatever it desires. This is never a longing for justice, or even enough. It is a deadly mixture of discontent and greed. It is this belief that leaves us unsatisfied with the gifts God has given us, and incapable of rejoicing with those who have more. It is this belief that leaves us angry at every inconvenience and affliction because after all, I deserve all things to go my way. Where there is pride this belief is alive and well."Yikes.
I am having to completely rearrange my heart and mind around the fact that what God has designed and planned for N and I is good in spite of the fact that it feels SO not good. Though I feel as though I am making prayerful, Spirit-led decisions for her, they don't necessarily lead to "the happiest baby on the block." Which, through sin-infested, human-tainted eyes, looks like failure. But the Spirit in me urges me to trust in the One True God and believe in His promises, and have faith that He is working even when I don't perceive it.
So, as with all things, God is using little N to teach me to lean into Him a little more, to persevere when things are tough, to trust Him to be the One to overcome and make all things new. And in the words of my very good (and wise) friend, "What a great and loving way for Him to do that." So true, my friend. So very, very true.
