Motherhood.

"Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for."
-Rachel Jankovic

I'm thankful to be a mom today.

Thankful for the one I have here in my arms, reminding me of the ways God goes before us and answers prayers we don't even know we should be praying, blessing us with things that we are not even sure how to ask for. The Lord has used E to both increase my faith and belief in Him and to sift selfishness and humanity out of me as I strive each day to be all I am called to be as a mom. She is a true joy to me, and a beautiful jewel in the crown of motherhood that I am so fortunate to be called to wear.

Thankful for the one I have kicking about in my belly this morning, reminding me of God's tender and true mercies and of His goodness and graciousness to us as He answers prayers that not only we have prayed for ourselves but that hundreds of others have prayed on our behalf. The journey of faith that I have been on with N has caused my faith in Jesus Christ to increase all the more.

Thankful for the two little ones that are already joined with Christ in heaven today. These two momentary gifts to me have caused me to dig deeply into the cross and find faith in places that I did not even know existed. They have challenged my misconceptions of who Jesus is and what God's purposes are for my life. Through them, God given me eyes and a heart that long for heaven and the fulfillment of the gospel and revelation of Jesus Christ. Through them, I have known the height and depth and breadth of the love of Christ and of His people to me. Because of them, I am convinced even more that my God is who He says He is, and that His desire for me is good and His affections for me are great.

And along the way, I have learned a deep and powerful lesson that none of them are truly "mine" - they all belong to the Lord. I am given a precious gift and mercy to steward them and demonstrate His love to them for as long as He allows, but their lives are all designed and destined to walk in step to His eternal calling and His perfect will.

PreK-3 Spring Program.

Tonight E had her little spring program for school at a local church. The kids were all - of course - strictly well-behaved, stood perfectly in a line, sang every word with perfect pitch and glorious harmony........right..................

It might be fair to say that in order to truly enjoy and appreciate a program where all the songs are sung off-pitch, none of the performers are ever right on cue, and chaos could potentially break out at ANY moment - you really need to be a parent or grandparent of one of the ones on the stage. Because all I could do the whole time I watched was smile and laugh at how perfectly the program portrayed my little one's personality and disposition at this age. I loved every moment.

Pressing on into thankfulness.

Today was one of those days. I feel like I could probably stop with that one sentence and half the people in the world would just nod their heads in either agreement or understanding. But since I probably won't remember why it was one of those days a year from now, I'll continue explaining.

Today was my "early" day at CrossFit. My morning started at 4:35am, and I got to the gym at 5:15am, breakfast shake at the ready. Even though I'm not technically a morning person, I have come to love early mornings at the CrossFit box, simply because I love the people there. I love coaching them, I love seeing them train hard, improve, accomplish goals, encourage each other on........the whole aura of CrossFit is just amazing.

But the early days wear on me for sure. By noon, when I'm grabbing lunch somewhere, I usually feel like I should call it dinner and start winding down for bed.

Anyway, so on top of the early morning today, I had several other things lined up: leave CrossFit, jet across town and pick up a prescription for hubby who was headed out of town today; make it home in time to change out of gym clothes into real clothes, freshen up, and grab a few necessities; meet hubby to head to Atlanta for a baby appointment; drop hubby off at airport for a business trip; beat the start of the afternoon Atlanta traffic; stop by Costco for a few necessities; pick up E by 5pm from after-school care; come home-dinner-bathtime-housework-bedtime-etc.; fall into bed exhausted at a reasonable hour.

Against all expert advice, I had left no room for "margin" today.

So, when I pulled into the pharmacy to pick up hubby's prescription and heard the "thump-thump-thump" of what I prayed would not be my car's left rear tire (and it was), I felt the walls close in a little.

By the time L had made it to where I was (instead of me coming to pick him up where he was), he had called a friend and made arrangements to have the spare tire put on while we were in Atlanta. Good husband and good friend.

Once in the car, I had to take some time to pray for God to quiet my anxious heart and replace my attitude of frustration at the circumstances with an attitude of thankfulness for the way He provided. I wanted to feel joyful that He took care of me, kept me safe even though my tire went flat, allowed my husband to easily switch plans to come to me, provided a friend at just the right moment so that I would not come home past dark to a car in an empty lot with a flat tire and a kid that needed to be in bed instead of out running errands. And as I prayed and started at that point to take inventory of all the mercies God poured out on me today, I did press on into thankfulness.

Thankfulness that:
-We have a healthy, growing little baby due in August. Seeing her sweet little face on ultrasound today was so so good.
-A friend that jumped at the ready to serve us by changing my flat tire across town during the middle of his busy day.
-Another friend who, after taking me to pick up my car and laughing aloud with me about the "toy wheel" that was meant to be a spare, followed me back across town driving all of 35 mph to be sure I made it home safely.
-Yet some other friends who care enough about my stupid vanity regarding the varicose and spider veins that seem to be plaguing my legs this pregnancy to coordinate efforts on helping me score some maternity stockings. It's worldly, it's insignificant on any kingdom level of thinking, but still it bothers me. And they care. And that means a lot.
-And another friend who was willing to play back-up on my childcare plans in the event that I got stuck in Atlanta traffic. Even though her list of things to do today was longer than mine.
-A husband who pursues me and insists on making me laugh.
-A bubble bath at the end of a long, tired day.
-A kiddo who sang every thought in her head to the tune of "The Star Spangled Banner" on the drive home from CrossFit while persisting that I played "hide-and-go-seek" with her in the car. Yes, we were both buckled and I was driving. No, I don't understand why it was still entertaining in her eyes, but it was.
-A good dog that scares away the bad guys at night (hypothetical, but still it calms my fears when L is gone overnight).

So many things to be thankful for today, and that's only a few. It was worth it to press through the thick cloud of anxiety about how this day would actually work and start tasting the fruit of joy and peace with how this day would work. And it did work.

And....I just cried like a baby.

The Story of Ian and Larissa.

Nothing that I could say could add to the beauty of this, so I won't try.

To be a fly on the wall.

If you were a fly on the wall in our household this week, here are a few quips/conversations you might have overheard:

E: "Mama, when N gets here, she's going to start getting spankings too, right?"

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E: "Mama, did you know Jesus is the Bost of the sea, and Jesus is the Bost of the wind, and Jesus is the Bost of the waves? Did you know that??"

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E (looking through pictures on my phone): "Mama, daddy is so so silly. (Flip to the next picture). And mama, you are so so beautiful."

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Daddy: "E, let's talk about why you were crying today at CrossFit."
E: "Well, daddy. I was ready to leave and I was just waiting and waiting and waiting, and you were just talking and talking and talking. So I just decided to start crying."

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E: "Mama, can I roll down the window so I can be cool?"
Me: "No, baby. We've got the air on so if you roll down the window it will let the hot air in."
E: "No it won't, mama. It feels cool outside."
Me: "Baby, it's hot outside."
E: "No I felt it - it's cool."
Me: "E, I'm not going to argue with you over this. I told you that you cannot roll down the window."
E: "I'm not arguing, mama. I'm telling the truth."
*insert stern glance from mama to kiddo in the rearview mirror*
E: "I...I...I didn't say anything mama. I don't want to be in trouble. Nothing I said mama. I didn't say anything."

Discipline gets harder and harder.

I've decided that disciplining your kids takes a huge turn when they start acting "offended" by your punishments/sentences instead of just simply being saddened by it.

In our house, because we've said it so often, E can probably tell you in her sleep what the gravest crimes are: lying and disobeying (deliberately). She knows what the punishment is for these crimes. She shouldn't be caught off guard when we get to the point of needing to correct these behaviors that are not only deemed inappropriate in our household but also are an offense to an Almighty God.

But lately, every time we get to the end of the road with these two issues and discipline is appropriate and even necessary, my right brain hesitates for a moment before my left brain hits the override button and continues forward with what must happen. It is difficult to break that relationship with her for even the slightest moment. It is hard to remind myself that this is for her (and our) good. It is tough to walk in obedience to the way the Lord has called me to parent and to trust the Him to do a work in her heart and remove sin and restore our relationship. Disciplining is NOT fun. And it used to come quite naturally and much easier, but I seem to be losing a grip on that too.

I'm sure some of it has to do with the fact that I'm tired and a little (a LOT) behind the eight-ball these days due to carrying around and growing another human inside of me. But a lot of it also has to do with the fact that E is developing so much these days. Our relationship is much more of a two-way street: for nearly as much love and care as I pour into her, she returns it with her own little words of affirmation and attempts at serving me and helping me. And when I must step into my God-given role of disciplining her, which - in turn - severs that relationship with her momentarily - she reacts now by withholding her love and affection for me, which hurts. A lot. For a short time, I do not get words of affirmation from her. For a moment in the day, she does not want to help me cook in the kitchen the way she did five minutes ago. Instead of just running off to her room crying like she did when she was two, she fights back by closing herself off to me while still in my presence. And I am left to pray desperately to the only Person left that can still speak to her in those moments - my (and her) heavenly Father.

And He is faithful. Though Satan stands ready to speak doubts in my ear each and every time I come to this fork in the road, God has remained faithful to His promise to continue to speak tenderly to her and call her out of the wilderness. My relationship with her after I follow through with loving, Spirit-filled discipline is always better than it was before. And because I definitely do not always get it right, I'm finding that it's even BETTER when I get the opportunity to apologize to her for my mistakes and frustration-filled reactions, asking her for forgiveness and giving her an opportunity to extend grace.

And, I'm sure it only gets more difficult the older they get. I guess that just means I get more opportunities to prove God's faithfulness. :)

The Gospel Truth.

“When kids are young, you just need to put stuff in them so that when you shake them, they just throw up Bible.” - J.D. Greear

Read this quote in a Trevin Wax interview with J.D. Greear. Made me laugh and shout "Amen" all at the same time. I think the point he was getting at was that kids don't need to be learning morality in their homes, they need to breathing gospel truth. Morality tells us that we should "do this" or "don't do that." Gospel truth tells us that we have a loving God that wants us to know Him and be like Him so that we can enjoy the blessing of communion with Him and others forever and ever without the conflict of sin and pain and injury and death. The road to morality is abiding by the law and relying on our goodness alone; the road to Gospel truth is accepting grace from the hand of God and relying on the saving work of Jesus Christ and His Lordship alone. Morality ends in a story that's all about us; Gospel Truth ends in a story that's all about Jesus.

And our kids pick up on this vicariously through the way we teach them, correct them, discipline them, and love them. And we parents know the difference too - that outburst in the middle of the grocery store check-out lane or on the way out of the doors at church when our flesh reacts to the embarrassment of our child's behavior and we reach out and pull our child close, use a disapproving tone of voice and remind them of certain acceptable social manners that have no sure footing in Biblical truth. When our kids ask "why" and we respond with "because I said so" instead of taking a moment to root our instruction in the Word of God and give them one more connection to the reality and relevancy of the gospel. When we react with a little less than Godly love because we too are tired and ready for the comfort of our own bed, and - instead of humbly asking for their forgiveness and using the moment as an opportunity to teach them how to extend grace - we just pray that they will go to sleep quickly and forget about it by morning.

Our kids - like it or not - are "throwing up" only what they've eaten. And as an American (and especially Southern) society, we spoon-feed our kids morality lessons. We miss so many opportunities to extend them grace and forgiveness or ask them to extend grace and forgiveness to us, and then we wonder why they have a problem doing it at school with their own friends on the playground. We want scripture to be relevant to them, but we don't "teach them to [our children]" or "talk about them when [we] are at home and when [we] are on the road, when [we] are going to bed and when [we] are getting up" (Deut 11:19) the way that scripture commands. We want our kids to grow up to have a heart to serve others but we model selfishness for them, not necessarily by being selfish ourselves, but by ordering our family's world around serving their needs - their sports, their interests, their hobbies, their school activities. As parents, we lay our own lives down in "sacrifice" over the wrong altars, pointing our kids to worship everything that this world has to offer them and missing the burning bush completely.

And we do not do it intentionally. All parents (save a few) really do want what's best for their kids. Most Christian parents that I know really do want their kids to love Jesus. But sometimes, what I wonder is this: Do we want our kids to love Jesus because Jesus makes our kids more tolerable in the moment? Or do we want our kids to love Jesus because we want them to experience the blessing of a grace-filled relationship with Jesus for all of eternity?

Daddy love.

E has historically been quite the mama's girl, usually picking me over her daddy for most day-to-day occurrences - riding in the car, reading books at night, etc. Not sure why, really - that's just the way it's always been.

But these past few weeks, she's been noticeably a little more attached to her daddy and atypically preferring him over me in many situations. Which - to be honest - though it's been a little surprising, it's actually a little refreshing to see her bond with him become more evident.

She even broke down and cried one morning when she realized upon waking that her daddy had already left for work. Big crocodile tears because she missed her daddy. While one part of my heart broke, the other part swelled - I love that she's identifying the immense weight he carries in her life.

So, imagine my surprise when she walks up to a statue at a restaurant tonight that looked like this, and exclaimed: "Mama, I love him! He looks like my daddy!"

 

And, after remembering the photo of him that I snapped on my phone a week ago - one that makes her laugh out loud every time she sees it, I can almost see the resemblance...

Either way, though, I gotta say I'm lovin' this new-found love for daddy. I love him too, so it's just one more thing that she and I get to agree on. ;)

Muffins for moms.

Three times today with three different people I have had conversations on the topic of divorce, blended families, and absent parents. Strange coincidence? Maybe. But usually I end up looking back on something like this a few days/weeks/months later and say, "Ohhhhhh, I get it now. That's why you brought those conversations up with those certain people at that certain time." Not always, but usually it kinda perks my radar up for something that God may be doing in my life and/or the lives of those around me. So I've put my listening ears on.

It started with a conversation about a program that E's school does each year - "Muffins for Moms." Pretty self-explanatory, I think - the kids spend a few weeks working on special things to give their moms, and on a designated morning the moms show up and receive those gifts and the kids get to show off their classroom and friends, etc. This is a great idea in a perfect world, and maybe a great idea in a not-so-perfect world in theory. In reality, because of the number of broken homes in this world, coupled with the fact that not every mom has a schedule that easily coincides with being able to attend these types of functions, there are inevitably a few kids that get left out - even when everyone does their best to make sure they are included. And I don't necessarily think the answer isn't to avoid programs like this entirely, but it does make things a little uncomfortable.

The second conversation revolved around situations where friends of ours and also separate and totally unrelated friends of this other person were going through a divorce because the husband just decided to leave one day - no warning, no apparent reason, no excuses. Just gone. Kids were involved, some of them very young. Infidelity played its part but seemingly only as secondary to the fact that really they "just didn't love" their spouse any longer because of one reason or another. Both husbands claimed to be Christians and yet were walking completely and totally outside of the covenant of marriage that God designed and proclaimed in Scripture. Strange. And scary to imagine that it could happen so easily.

And the third conversation was spent mostly discussing the reality of blended families, broken families, families in which additional marriages did or didn't cause stress on the children of the original set of parents. How the kids responded to those new parental figures in their lives. How the parents responded to the new spouses of their previous husband or wife.

The whole time I tried - really tried - to not sound like a moron about the topic. Because when it comes to blended/broken/step-families, I really do not have a whole lot of experience. My parents have been married for over 30 years, my mom's parents have been married for over 50 years, and my dad's parents have been married for over 60 years. I did not grow up in a home that felt the effects of a blended family. So my experience with this has been very limited and I just don't feel like I usually have anything valuable to offer to someone in this type of situation.

So today I mostly listened. And considered what the Lord was trying to teach me in all of this. Wondering what He is up to in my life that I would need to have these coordinated conversations on this day. Thankful for the husband that I do have, knowing that not only does he not have the desire to seek divorce but that also he has surrounded himself with other like-minded guys/men that keep him in check on his behaviors, thoughts, lifestyles that would lead him down that path or leave him open to the Enemy's attacks. So thankful for those guys because it relieves me of the duty of being the only one there to "protect" my husband from potential footholds (i.e., nag about situations or behaviors of his that I am uncomfortable with). Instead, I get to trust that the same God that is at work in my life is at work in his, and any sin or potential sin that needs to be addressed will be done by and through the men that are daily in his life and holding him accountable to that holy standard - which brings so much peace and security to my heart and mind.

I missed my peeps.

For the past three days, I've been on hiatus from my "real life." E and I took a trip north to babysit for some friends who have a rather large bunch of kiddos and were going to be out of town for a few days. We've done this before, but this would be my first time just me - since L had to stay home and juggle work and home for us while I would be gone.

I was looking forward to the small break from the usual routine - it had been a while since we had gone anywhere, and even though babysitting seven kids plus my own while being six months pregnant isn't exactly a vacation, it was nonetheless a change of pace and therefore exciting to say the least.

And probably because it was being covered in massive amounts of prayer, everything went very smoothly, and I would dare say it was even a lot of fun. :) The kids were all on best behavior, the little girls (E, E, and E...no kidding), played like best friends, no one broke anything (albeit one bloody knee), relatively few tears, lots of laughter (and drama), and not one person got out of bed even once during the night for the three days and two nights I was there. Totally miraculous in my opinion.

One thing that I did NOT expect though was how much I would miss my community back home during those few short days. Because I tend toward the introverted side, added to the fact that this has been my first opportunity to "run away" in a while, I honestly expected to not really miss being away with the exception of a few obvious things - including snuggling with my hubby at night. What I found, however, was that I very much missed the community of folks that I normally bump into each day, and the ways they encourage me through the conversations we get to have along the way. I didn't realize how much I had changed and have become someone who depends greatly on the relationships I have with others, and because this is something that I have prayed for God to do in me for several years now, it was refreshing and exciting to see and feel the progression in my life toward becoming a more relational person.

To whom much is given.

L and I comment sometime- both in truth and in jest - that if we take Jesus' words to his disciples in Luke 12:44 to heart, then he apparently must not trust us very much in the finances department. ;) In "jest" because truth be told we are richer than the majority of people in the world, in truth because the honest answer is that we still have a long ways to go to being faithful stewards of what God has entrusted to us financially. However, thanks to a cool little program called "YNAB (You Need A Budget), a husband that has been faithful to step up and lead our family in good decisions, and the Lord's good and gracious work in my own life and heart, we are getting better now. Not that we we were carrying a ton of debt or anything, but we still were not in a place of freedom to be able to "go and send" the way we wanted to and the way we know we are called to. I still have a lot of work to do in this area though. To be honest, when I consider what it would be like to have a bigger income, I almost always jump to the things in life that would be "easier" rather than the ways I could support and sustain and engage in the advance of the gospel. My flesh tendency is to use money to bastion the walls of this earthly castle, surrounding and protecting my own investments - family, friends, future - rather than consider whether God may be testing and proving me to be faithful with money He wants to place in the hands of those on the front lines of advancing the gospel. I know there are a ton of people in this world that have been given exuberant amounts of money who spend it on their own pleasures with no thought of Gods desires or plans. And of course I look at them sometimes with jealous eyes and with a coveting heart, wanting the life of ease they portray as they lounge on their yachts and eat their chef-prepared food while their nanny entertains their baby and they discuss the atrocity of their condo becoming unavailable to them next month, and "Oh my god, what ARE we going to do?" (Okay, so maybe I would rather throw up in my mouth than have that kind of life). But still, some days I definitely do catch myself thinking that somewhere in between would definitely be a little nicer all around. But the point I think Jesus was trying to make in the passage above was actually one that makes the "richer" life the more difficult one. The servant was expected to still serve to the pleasure of the master regardless of whether or not his master was present. And when the master returned, the state of the household spoke for the integrity of the servant. I do think that God cares and is saddened by those who are careless and wasteful with their finances. He will return and set all things right one day, to the shame of those who have been self-serving with the resources he gave to them. His justice is perfect and righteous and good, and He will redeem all things to His glory one day. Until then, we are all servants that have been trusted with the management of His kingdom here on earth, and we are called to be faithful with all things He has entrusted to us. And as we continue in this process of sanctification, my belief is that He will continue to provide us with the things we need and give us an abundance only so that we can further the advance of His name to all the world, and hasten His return and our salvation from a world that is truly fading.