A note from him...

For once, I (Lawson) will actually be updating the world on the current events of the Bost house hold. It would seem only fitting that I would do it this time, mainly because where we are currently stand in this journey of our life has much to do with my decision making. 

Two months ago, I made a daring and somewhat foolhardy decision to move our family, to both get my family out of the area that we were currently living in and to accommodate a dear friend that needed a place to stay as he made some big life transitions. The plan was simple, rent the house for the next 6 months to a year, while putting the house on the market and sell it, and in the meantime temporarily move into the basement of some really gracious friends while we found a house to rent. Simple right? (Oh yeah, both be parents, working multiple jobs, E finish up Kindergarden, and me in Grad school…..right). I mean we had energy behind this! No longer spinning our wheels, we were going in a direction of purpose and moving forward. What could go wrong?

Well, kind of everything. Nothing went to plan, other than E finished up kindergarten, and we are still working our great jobs and being parents.The main goals that I sat out to accomplish did not come to fruition, as I am currently writing this monologue and confession back in the house of where this story originally started…. 2 months ago. 

I sit here asking the Lord what was the point? What was the point of moving my family across town, displacing them, facilitating stress, drama, and whole lot of instability of that which my wife craves from me? Did I fail? Did it just not work out because it wasn’t supposed to? Or was it a combination of both? I am sure there are a plethora of perspectives both good and mildly depressing that could be generated as to the why. I will let Time, Wisdom, and most of The Lord judge me accordingly. 

But now I am going to attempt to do something that I don’t think happens that often: I am going to be transparent about who I am to the degree that it does a couple of things. 1. It depicts the reality that I, Lawson, am a fool at times and that I don’t, in the least bit, have it all together. 2. God through Jesus Christ is simply stunning in how He takes our fallen, dirty, broken, and messed up efforts and turns it into something beautiful for his name’s sake by his ever arriving Grace…. i.e., that God would get all the Glory for anything good that happens. 3. Lastly, that somebody would get something out of my/our little story. 

Men don’t usually own the crap that they either created and/or are stepping in. I’m 31 years old, and over my years I have seen a lack of this trait. I am one of those men. If I can, I will take the coward’s way and show it wasn’t my fault and there were circumstances that lead to my alleged failure. At the end of the day, when it all shakes out, someone has to take responsibility. Those of you who are reading, and do not have a Biblical worldview will find this silly and sad all at the same time, but for me and my household it is the man in the house that will take ultimate responsibility. If that strikes you as odd or you disagree, read the Bible, it’s in there. But let me make something clear: taking ultimate responsibility and owning every word, action, emotion, and thought that has taken place are not the same thing. This is where I can get in trouble. I will usually try to own every person’s emotion and be responsible for EVERYONE’S actions. Wrong. Not possible. I do not have the power. 

If I had to guess, most people when they look at me with a certain set of lenses would not see me as man’s man. Now, I understand that is all based on a perspective and how you see the world, yet that is my point. No one is really talking about masculinity really and certainly with no real standard. It is way too subjective, to the degree that some say you are only a man if you are a country boy and have swagger. Or if you can sleep with any girl your bros dare you to. Some Worldviews require you to be at least country strong and be able to fix whatever comes your way. Others see men as just lone-rangers, looking for the next adventure, the next thrill, the next chase. My favorite masculine role is don’t show emotion. Don’t show life, frustrations, disappointments, failures, and tragedy are getting to you. Button it up, be strong, and do not show that you are that vulnerable. I mean, who is defining what a man is? I know that my God defines it well and you’ve got to have some standard, or we’ll end up the worst version of masculine selves. 

Hear me clear, I am not saying it is wrong to be strong for those that you love and those that look to you for strength. Paul told Timothy to be Strong. God told Joshua just after Moses dies as he was about to lead millions of his brothers into the promise land to be strong and courageous, I say again be strong and very courageous.  So where am I currently looking? Jesus. He had it all: humility, strength, resolve, endurance, an indomitable spirit. I think Hebrews 12:1-2 sums it well. So do not mishear me. But what I am saying is this: being strong for others without humility in strength will be found out for the weakness it is. 

So if you have not heard it yet, I will it say it plainly: I am responsible for not accomplishing the vision that I sat out to accomplish. I do own my part in not facilitating stability for my family. I am in need of a savior in Jesus to extend Grace to my many shortcomings as a husband, father, and leader. 

So why would I do this in public? Why would I make myself look the fool in front of friends and stranger alike? Well, back up in paragraph six I listed out three main objectives for this little ditty. But as I write this, I realize a couple of other reasons:  not many men do this type of thing. I would love to change that. I know why. They think, “Man, if they only knew I did this or said that, no one would ever trust me!” I’m calling B.S. All dudes are in the same boat. We strive, we work hard, we fail and we nose dive. Welcome to planet earth. I find myself writing this because I wish other men would go there with me. I’m not saying I’m some self-righteous person and this is really easy, ask my accountability group, they’ll tell ya I suck at this. But it needs to start some where. Why not now. 

But I find myself more writing this for my wife. Through my faults and failures I have hurt and frightened the one precious and treasured thing on this earth to me, and I can scarcely bear it. I write this so she doesn’t have to protect some false image of me. I write this so she can have some burden lifted and with confidence to know The Lord protects me and renews. 

So what now Lawson? You wrote this grand essay entitled The Life and Times of the Biggest Goober, what are you going to do now? I am going to do the one thing I know that I am gifted with: enacting resiliency: the ability to retain one’s shape no matter how deeply the stress of the impact for the intended purpose of pushing forward and pressing on toward the goal. I think men can grab hold of a concept like that, at least this one can. 

As my wise and good friend always said, “Your either growing or die’in. You can’t stay the same.” Thanks for sticking with me in this essay and may we always keep staying the course. 

LB

          

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When it's been that kind of a day...

Some days, I look around my house and I see this...

Oh THAT'S where the can of Lysol went...

Almonds definitely belong on a dining room chair instead of IN THE PANTRY.

Hmmm, guess I'll put those shoes away for the one-trillionth time...TODAY.

Seriously, why is it so difficult to keep up with puzzle pieces??

--------------

And some days I look around my house and I see this...

She's finally figuring out there's an actual strategy for winning...

Sister love is one thing I will never get enough of...

Oh, that face gets me every single time!

I think we've all decided she gets to stay. ;)

Want to know the secret to the difference in these kinds of days? 

Grace...no, abundant grace.

Want to know why some days you have it and other days you don't?

Because abundant grace is a gift given by our Father, and we get to choose whether or not we ask for it.

Because if we ask, He gives abundantly. And there's never an end. There's never not enough to go around. There's never a situation that requires too much. Grace comes from the grace-giver, and His promises are true.

"But He gives more grace." -James 4:6

Inciting Incident.

“The inciting incident is how you get (characters) to do something. It's the doorway through which they can't return, you know. The story takes care of the rest.”

― Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

Well, it's official. L is stepping away from his full-time job at WinShape Wilderness to embark on the next journey in our pilgrimage here on earth: full-time pursuit of the passions The Lord has placed within him - marriage, family and counseling. Forever thankful for our WinShape family and all they have done and continue to do to show their love for our family. Truly amazed at how God has used AdvoCare to open doors to do what seemed impossible six months ago.

Our God is such a BIG God with incredible purpose for our lives here on this earth, and we are in awe of His great mercy with us. Truth be told - we are not boastful of this opportunity; in fact, we are mostly terrified of this giant leap of faith that we are taking! But we are fully trusting in God's promise to uphold His integrity, and we are staking our lives on His vow to never leave us nor forsake us. He has proved Himself faithful and true to us in every turning, so we move forward confidently and boldly, even with uncertainty.

Especially grateful for those of you who are moving forward with us at this rather unforeseen fork in the road...thanks for your patience, your belief, your understanding and prayers. One of our own prayers is that every daring step of obedience to Christ we take encourages you in your faith as well.

-L&J

P.S. - To any of our friends who feel like we've fell off the map here lately...now you know why! ;) We'll be back as soon as the dust settles.

Transformation

As the day comes to a close, I feel the need to clarify my AdvoCare transformation pic that's been floating around on my page and the page of a few friends today. Seeing it over and over, and hearing a few comments have spurred a couple of important thoughts in me. 

If you didn't catch the pic on Facebook, here it is, along with the caption:

"Want to know how much AdvoCare has changed my life? This is just the outside transformation, which doesn't even scratch the surface...thankful and amazed at all that has happened in our lives in just a few years. I know my story is just one of thousands in AdvoCare, but sometimes it's hard to believe that it's actually MINE and they I'm living it. Feeling blessed today!"

So here's some end-of-the-day thoughts:

1) I'm thankful for all my amazing friends who have gathered 'round to state what might not have been outright said: those pics have not, do not, and will not EVER define "beauty" for me. Hear me when I say that I very intentionally never said that. I know Who defines beauty and I know that it is rooted in my wholehearted pursuit of Christ. So thank you for your reminders, or maybe clarification, of that point. :) 

2) Everyone knows I'm a CrossFitter. But people look at me now and find it difficult to separate what CrossFit did for me vs. what AdvoCare did for me. CrossFit helped me become a strong, functional, and confident girl. I LOVE CrossFit and I love being "CrossFit chick" and I love that I can snatch 135# and clean 175# (<----yep, that was bragging just a little ;)). On the other hand, AdvoCare has grounded me nutritionally to a system that helps me manage my weight and size for life, gives me performance products that have absolutely increased my PR's at CrossFit and has offered our family a business opportunity that is allowing us to one day be a family full-time while helping others do the same as well. CrossFit is awesome but will never afford the business opportunity that AdvoCare has, and I am truly grateful to have them both and thankful that they can go hand in hand!

3) At the end of the day, I still look at those pics and think how crazy it is that this is MY life. That I have this incredible husband and two amazing little girls. That we are writing an unbelievable story - one that will bring glory to God but that also has purpose and significance in our lives and in the lives of those around us and is leaving a legacy for our kids. AdvoCare has become our vehicle for unlocking that story. Paul was a tentmaker, we sell AdvoCare. Tents gave folks shelter back in Paul's day, AdvoCare meets REAL needs in today's society that is drowning in a sea of health crisis and financial debt. I get to help people with that. And be a wife. And a mom. And a CrossFit chick. :)

Dear friends, stick with us on this. Allow us to prove to you that we are not walking away from all that we once held dear, but are - in fact - now finally freeing ourselves of the things that held us back from running wholeheartedly after what is MOST important to us. And our greatest desire is that you would lock arms with us and run after Him Who sets us free and help others also be set free from those things that entangle and enslave all of us in this time here on earth. 

A Million Miles in a Thousand Years (The Beginning of a Story)

I bought a book for $4.99 on Amazon Kindle on Friday night after reading one page from the book and declaring to L that "This book is going to change my life. And yours." The page read:

"If you watched a movie about a guy who wanted a Volvo and worked for years to get it, you wouldn't cry at the end when he drove off the lot, testing the windshield wipers. You wouldn't tell your friends you saw a beautiful movie or go home and put a record on to think about the story you'd seen. The truth is, you wouldn't remember that movie a week later, except you'd feel robbed and want your money back. Nobody cries at the end of a movie about a guy who wants a Volvo. But we spend years actually living those stories, and expect our lives to feel meaningful. The truth is, if what we choose to do with our lives won't make a story meaningful, it won't make a life meaningful either."

I want to make something very clear from the beginning, just so it doesn't get lost in what I'm about to say: Significance comes from Christ. There's no life story that, apart from Christ's redemptive work, has eternal meaning. His death, burial, resurrection, and glorious return to bring His people home one day is the grand meta-narrative that I first and foremost desire to be a part of. May God grant me the ability to never lose hold of that precious perspective.

But I do want my life here on this earth to matter, and I believe that's not an unholy thought. I mean, why would God go through the whole point of sticking us here on this earth if our life here didn't have meaning? Couldn't he have come up with a better plan of maybe lining us up to all have our turn at a pop quiz for who God really was and whether or not we really loved him and granting us immediate access to Heaven if we "passed"? I mean - seriously - what's the point of 70+ years of wandering around here on earth if the sole purpose of our life is to decide whether or not we want to spend eternity in Heaven with Jesus? I don't mean that to sound heretical. I just think that maybe there might be a little more at stake with the time we have here on this earth than just figuring out whether or not we want to go to heaven one day.

Donald Miller describes this "life purpose" through the analogy of story in his book, "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years":

"A good storyteller speaks something into nothing. Where there is an absence of story, or perhaps a bad story, a good storyteller walks in and changes reality. He doesn't critique the existing story, or lament about his boredom, like a critic. He just tells something difference and invites other people into the new story he is telling." 

"A story is based on what people think is important, so when we live a story, we are telling people around us what we think is important...The ambitions we have will become the stories we live." 

"'Writing a story isn't about making your peaceful fantasies come true. The whole point of the story is the character arc. You didn't think joy could change a person, did you? Joy is what you feel when the conflict is over. But it's conflict that changes a person. You put your characters through hell. You put them through hell. That's the only way we change.'" 

“Humans naturally seek comfort and stability. Without an inciting incident that disrupts their comfort, they won’t enter into a story. They have to get fired from their job or be forced to sign up for a marathon. A ring has to be purchased. A home has to be sold. The character has to jump into the story, into the discomfort and the fear, otherwise the story will never happen.” 

 “If the point of life is the same as the point of a story, the point of life is character transformation. In nearly every story, the protagonist is transformed. He's a jerk at the beginning and nice at the end, or a coward at the beginning and brave at the end. If the character doesn't change, the story hasn't happened yet. And if story is derived from real life, if story is just condensed version of life then life itself may be designed to change us so that we evolve from one kind of person to another. ” 

“Once you live a good story, you get a taste for a kind of meaning in life, and you can't go back to being normal; you can't go back to meaningless scenes stitched together by the forgettable thread of wasted time.”

“One of the reasons we fail to acknowledge the brilliance of life is because we don't want the responsibility inherent in the acknowledgment. We don't want to be characters in a story because characters have to move and breathe and face conflict with courage. And if life isn't remarkable, then we don't have to do any of that; we can be unwilling victims instead of grateful participants. But I've never walked out of a movie thinking all movies are meaningless. I only thought the movie I walked out on was meaningless. I wonder, then, if when people say life is meaningless, what they really mean is their lives are meaningless. I wonder if they've chosen to believe their existence is unremarkable, and are projecting their dreary life on the rest of us.”

“The most often repeated commandment in the Bible is 'Do not fear.' It's in there over two hundred times. It means we are going to be afraid, and it means we shouldn't let fear boss us around. Before I realized we were supposed to fight fear, I thought of fear as a subtle suggestion in our subconscious designed to keep us safe, or more important, keep us from getting humiliated. And I guess it serves that purpose. But fear isn't only a guide to keep us safe; it's also a manipulative emotion that can trick us into living a boring life.… the great stories go to those who don’t give in to fear.” 

"There is a force in this world that doesn't want us to live good stories. It doesn't want us to face our issues, to face our fear and bring something beautiful into the world...I believe God wants us to create beautiful stories, and whatever it is that isn't God wants us to create meaningless stories, teaching the people around us that life just isn't worth living." 

“We live in a world where bad stories are told, stories that teach us life doesn't mean anything and that humanity has no great purpose. It's a good calling, then, to speak a better story. How brightly a better story shines. How easily the world looks to it in wonder. How grateful we are to hear these stories, and how happy it makes us to repeat them.”

“Here's the truth about telling stories with your life. It's going to sound like a great idea, and you're going to get excited about it, and then when it comes time to do the work, you're not going to want to do it. It's like that with writing books, and it's like that with life. People love to have lived a great story, but few people like the work it takes to make it happen. But joy costs pain.”

And so I'm left to wonder...

What kind of stories have I been telling with my life? 
What kind of story do I want to tell with my life?
Am I willing to do the work of facing my issues and facing my fears in order to create a beautiful story that gives glory to God and develops meaning for the time He has given me on this earth?

Why don't you...

Here's a freebie for ya, because it's been a while since I was on here last. A little snapshot into what rattles around in this brain of mine sometimes...

"I love your blog posts. Why don't you write more often?" -Says mom

Because I don't have time.

"I love it when you coach. Why don't you coach more often?" -says CrossFit Client

Because I don't have time.

"Mommy, I want to play hide-and-go-seek. Why don't you play hide-and-go-seek with me?" -Says kid #1

Because I don't have time.

"I love your cooking. Why don't you cook more often?" -Says hubby

Because I don't have time.

"Waaaaaa-aaaa-aah." -Says kid #2

Because I don't have TIME.

Now, let's set a few things straight. First things first, my husband is a champ and he NEVER criticizes whether I cook, don't cook, or even whether I burn-the-only-thing-I-tried-to-cook. But it doesn't matter - I still beat myself up with the fact that I don't have the time I need to serve him in a way that I actually could rock out if I had a little more time. Which leads me to my second point. I actually LOVE doing every single one of those things I listed above. I LOVE blogging. I LOVE coaching. I LOVE playing hide-and-go-seek with kid #1. I LOVE cooking. And I really really really LOVE when kid #2 is flashing that beautiful grin instead of screaming her face off.

In case you're wondering what I mean by that...

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

 

See? Now you know why I almost went crazy this past year.

I love every little squishy part of kid #2, but we say often around this house that "there is a reason God made her so cute." And there is.

But I digress.

The point is that up until recently, we've been in a LOT of debt. Not strictly financial, though that has played its part. But definitely emotional debt (Take a little life and add two kids, add four jobs, add a house and a dog and a little red wagon...and somehow marriage gets subtracted on in that equation). We've been in STEEP time debt, especially in said marriage^^. 

And let's be honest - I really thought that's just where we were supposed to be. That life was supposed to be hard, that money was supposed to be gone, that someone else was supposed to be raising our kids for us while we worked our tails off trying to get back to zero at some point before we died so that we didn't leave a mess in the hands of our kids when we finally got to leave this God-forsaken earth and go meet our Savior, who would likely tell us what a great job we had done with our little bit of time on earth.

Wow - longest run-on sentence ever. 

And we hadn't been doing that great of a job either. 

Our finances were in crisis. Our marriage was headed that way. Our kids missed us. Our friendships were shallow (which became BLARINGLY obvious when kid #2 dropped a bomb on our world and decided to not EVER sleep, ALWAYS cry, and just generally confine us to homeland unless we were willing to just throw caution to the wind and let her C.I.O.). Frustrations mounted for L at work while he tried to hold everything together at home. And I struggled a LOT with depression. Post-partum? Or my-life-is-out-of-control-and-I-don't-know-how-to-deal-with-it? Who knows. Not sure if it mattered at the end of a very long day, to be honest.

And Jesus saves. Hear me say that. Jesus SAVES. But the "justification" part gets a little tricky at times. By that, I mean life feels little long sometimes when you're working out that salvation over 80 years of money problems, marriage problems and prodigal kids. And when you're at a place where you're grabbing for anything that might let you hang on, you get willing to do whatever it takes.
 

Even start a home business. ;) Enter AdvoCare.

www.advocaresparksrome.com

I was NOT looking for AdvoCare. I was looking for a way to help our family climb out of this mess,  a way to earn a little side income - at the time so that I literally could afford to pay a babysitter for the times we needed to both be at work and didn't have the extra in our budget to hire a sitter. It's sad to think back and see that as my motivation, when all that has flipped on its head and we are now spending more time together, raising our kids together, living out our dreams together. 

And speaking of dreams, one of the things that actually held me back the most at the beginning of said "home business" was that I somehow felt that the dream life portrayed by the Distributor kit DVD was a life of ease, a life of reclining by the pool, a life of all organic foods, and a life of 5-star vacations. I have to admit - I DO like it when life's easy, I DO like going to the pool, I DO think regular produce tastes like dirt compared to organic foods, and 5-star vacations actually DO sound like fun to me. But is that MY idea of a dream life? Heck no. My dream life very simply involves being able to DO LIFE with my husband. Side by side. The good, the bad and the ugly. In it together. Through thick and thin. Through sickness and health. And though we both have things we truly enjoy doing - CrossFit, Outdoor Experiential Ed, etc., it would really be awesome to be able to do those things because we LOVE them and not because we rely on the paycheck they bring to us. 

And believe it or not, what we've found is that AdvoCare actually does help folks - and is helping us - do just that. We are creating more time together, and that is straight-up saving our marriage. We are climbing out of debt so that we can be the givers we know God wants us to be one day. We are investing into the young lives of the two precious gifts God has given us so far, and looking forward to the day when we are financially able to welcome more kids into our home through adoption. There is so much that we are looking forward to doing for Christ here on this earth should we be here another 40 years, and we are going for it, even if He only gives us 4 more years. AdvoCare is providing the vehicle for us to run hard after the things we feel God has called us to, and we are taking it by the horns. 

L wants to be a marriage counselor one day and is in grad school right now - AdvoCare is helping us get to a place where schooling becomes debt free, and will eventually help him offer his incredible gift to other marriages regardless of their income. I now know that I was born to be a coach, and AdvoCare has helped me navigate safely and effectively through the process of helping folks find solutions to weight management, energy and sports performance with absolutely top-of-the-line products. But even more than that, as we engage in the lives of others around us, we are finding that AdvoCare allows us to help others reach out and grab hold of their goals and dreams as well. 

And if none of that sounds believable to you, hear this (mom): I have made my bed EVERY DAY for the past week. Boo-yah. If that's not change, I don't know what is.

If you're my friend, I'm not going to start pestering you with AdvoCare. But I'm NOT going to shy away from talking about it, because it is changing our lives. I'm the first to admit: as with anything - it may be for you, it may not. All I'm asking is that as we move forward, please have respect for this amazing vehicle that is allowing us to pursue the life we feel God is calling us to lead. We cherish our friendships with you all, and simply ask that if you are confused as to why this has become so important to us, please ask us. We are happy to share without asking you to sign your life away on the dotted line. Our business isn't pressure, it's service. And if anything, I know for sure that even IF AdvoCare is right for you, it's only going to be right on your terms and in your time (just as it was for me). And that's perfectly okay. 

I do hope that if and when you see AdvoCare, you think of it positively because of the integrity we have as we represent it. Not unlike the way that I truly hope you see us and think positively of Christ because of the integrity we have as we represent Him to the best we can. We are not perfect - never will be. But we do have a heart for others and we are trying. Thanks for being our friends on this journey called life. 

And for sticking with me through the longest post ever. :)

Alone.

Surely one of Satan's biggest lies to any women has to be that she is alone. I know I've certainly felt it through many of the twists and turns in my life. 

As the results of our survey continue to unfold, a few things have surfaced: 1) Every single issue on the survey has been earmarked by more than one person; yet - so fascinating - 2) The number of women who have felt alone in their struggle has remained fairly consistent at 70%.

So, even though - according to the results - not a single woman is alone in facing the particular issues she struggles with, 7 out of 10 women feel alone in facing that struggle. Amazing. And heartbreaking. 

As this journey continues to unfold for me, I am praying and praying that women begin to figure out how to walk this life hand in hand. That we are able to restore and experience community. That we are not only able to experience the freedom from confessing our own dark places within a safe environment, but we are also able to extend grace and forgiveness to those who would be vulnerable enough to open up with us, and that we would be guarded against the temptation to use our sister's confession as fuel for gossip and slander. 

I'm so humbled and yet also encouraged by how relevant this all seems to be. Thanks for your prayers and love!

Confessions.

You simply could not ever in a million years collect enough money from all the richest men and women in the world to pay me to go back to high school. End of discussion.

College, however, is a different story. My time in college was sweet, surrounded by God's beautiful creation, beginning the journey of life with the man I would one day marry, and rich with friendships with other like-minded, fun-loving, strong-spirited girls. Even though a few wise old souls spoke of it then, it was several years before I realized just how precious those girls were and would become to me over the years. Of all the things I am thankful for in these girls, certainly at the top of that list was the absolute freedom we gave each other to just be real. Ugly or pretty, messy or clean, broken or brand new...nothing was unacceptable except pretense. 

Shortly after college, I read a book called "Celebration of Discipline" by Richard Foster. There is a chapter called "Confession" which highlights the Christian discipline of Confession and scripturally supports why it is good for us to confess to one another and the grace, mercy, healing and freedom that comes through biblical confession. A few great quotes from the book:

"Confession is a difficult Discipline for us because we all too often view the believing community as a fellowship of saints before we see it as a fellowship of sinners. We feel that everyone else has advanced so far into holiness that we are isolated and alone in our sin. We cannot bear to reveal our failures and shortcomings to others. We imagine that we are the only ones who have not stepped on to the high road to heaven. Therefore, we hide ourselves from one another and live in veiled lies and hypocrisy."
"A man who confesses his sins in the presence of a brother knows that he is no longer alone with himself; he experiences the presence of God in the reality of the other person. As long as I am by myself in the confession of my sins everything remains in the dark, but in the presence of a brother the sin has to be brought into the light."

Over the years, I pointed several friends and acquaintances to this book, referencing the Confession chapter each time, talking about how it had - for the first time - illuminated to me the biblical need for confession, helping to flesh out its purpose and removing the false notions I had, primarily based on Hollywood's perception of Catholicism. And though I did not begin regularly practicing confession as a discipline, I did (and do still) consider myself a very real person and do not find it difficult for the most part to openly and honestly discuss my failures and sinfulness with others. And, over the years, I have many times found myself in the midst of "confessions" of sorts whereby God would use some part of my story to connect with and encourage someone else going through something similar. And by opening up and sharing my story, I too was encouraged that my struggles and difficulties (for example, most recently with my miscarriages) were not in vain - that God really is working out a great plan and purpose even in and through those things that do not make much sense to me.

Recently, a friend and I stumbled back into this, realizing that we had both secretly walked through a struggle, and as we found the freedom to discuss it with each other, I found healing and freedom and even courage. Which led us to wonder and discuss - how many women are struggling with things that they do not ever talk about? How many women feel as if they are the only ones struggling with a particular issue? What if we could bring together a group of women who were willing to anonymously confess their deep, dark secrets with the rest of the world, in hopes that through their confession, they would encounter a living God who went to the cross and died for their sin. Women who, through that confession, were able to find grace and mercy and freedom from the bondage of that hidden shame and darkness. Could these stories be the beginning of a movement of openness and honesty in the Church - and an opportunity for Believers to show that we are different not because we are without sin but because our sin has been paid for? Would that willingness to be vulnerable help us reach across the lines and join hands with millions of other women who are struggling in secret sin who think they are forever lost to the grace of a Holy God? Does the path to freedom and healing begin in something as simple (and yet pride-challenging) as confession?

So, our eventual book project will be to bring together a group of women who have agreed - with complete anonymity - to confess their stories of walking through a particular issue. Our hope is that through confessing their stories and acknowledging God's great work in their lives, that others would know they are not alone, that they too can find healing and hope and freedom through sharing/confessing their stories. To begin, we have created a survey. The purpose of this survey is two-part: 1) we have a LOT of topics that we are trying to sift through to figure out which ones are most appropriate and most needed, 2) we are interested in the statistics regarding these specific issues. If you are a female of any age, we would LOVE for you to be a part of this survey - just follow this link and answer the questions as honestly as possible. Once you complete the survey, if you are interested in participating in the project further, feel free to contact me.


To those of you who have encouraged me this far, thank you. Please continue to pray that God receives the glory as we seek to help women experience conviction, healing, hope, freedom, grace, and mercy in the TRUTH that "Love, not anger, brought Jesus to the cross...he took in all the violence, all the fear, all the sin of all of the past, all the present, and all the future. This was his highest and most holy work, the work that makes confession and the forgiveness of sins possible." (Richard Foster, Celebration of Discipline)

Learning faith from the (NOT) "happiest baby on the block."

A few weeks ago, this article found me at a vulnerable place concocted through sleeplessness and fatigue, and I sat in the lamplight at 4am, nursing a fussy little baby and just sobbing.

Truth be told, as much of a miracle and precious gift our sweet N has been, it has been equally challenging and frustrating to figure out how to love her best. Without making any other comparisons between the two (because that's just not fair), this sums it up best I think: with E, it was as if I instantly knew her, knew what she needed, understood her cries, and we just 'connected;' with N, I feel confused, lost, struggling against hopelessness with a myriad of issues and, instead of connecting, I feel like we are one of those oil and water pieces that sits on side tables - shoved together inside the same container but, because of the physical properties that exist in each substance, completely unable to meld.

Don't get me wrong, I love her dearly. And each day we are working at it. I am not going to give up on her. But I have sat many days in the middle of tears, praying and struggling against the notion that I/we deserve better. That because I am working so hard to resolve the issues she faces, that we should be in a better place by now. That because I have given up every last food on the planet except rice, beans and chicken (Dear Chocolate: I miss you...), that I should be rewarded with a baby who doesn't scream after every meal. That because our family loves her so much and tries so hard to give her everything she could possibly need (even a big 4-year-old sister that would go to the moon and back for her), that she would've learned by now to trust us, to smile at us, to wake up happy that she has been borne into this family that loves her so dearly. That because of all my prayers and tears and pleas, God should be moving in ways that I understand a little more.

And then, in middle of a 4am crying jag, I read this:

"The proud heart believes “I deserve better.” It finds itself worthy not only of what it currently possesses, but also of whatever it desires. This is never a longing for justice, or even enough. It is a deadly mixture of discontent and greed. It is this belief that leaves us unsatisfied with the gifts God has given us, and incapable of rejoicing with those who have more. It is this belief that leaves us angry at every inconvenience and affliction because after all, I deserve all things to go my way. Where there is pride this belief is alive and well."

Yikes.

I am having to completely rearrange my heart and mind around the fact that what God has designed and planned for N and I is good in spite of the fact that it feels SO not good. Though I feel as though I am making prayerful, Spirit-led decisions for her, they don't necessarily lead to "the happiest baby on the block." Which, through sin-infested, human-tainted eyes, looks like failure. But the Spirit in me urges me to trust in the One True God and believe in His promises, and have faith that He is working even when I don't perceive it.

So, as with all things, God is using little N to teach me to lean into Him a little more, to persevere when things are tough, to trust Him to be the One to overcome and make all things new. And in the words of my very good (and wise) friend, "What a great and loving way for Him to do that." So true, my friend. So very, very true.

Welcome, little N.

On August 5th, 2012 at 3:57 in the afternoon at Atlanta Medical Center, we welcomed Miss N into our family. Birthing her completely naturally in the water was by far one of the most incredible and fulfilling moments of my life. We are so thankful that she is here with us, and look forward to getting to know her more and more as the days unfold.

Failure.

With CrossFit, it's interesting how many times you come to the end of yourself within a "short" twelve-minute workout. As a coach, I can't even count the number of times that I've bent down next to someone to remind them - "You're okay. You're not dying. It's called 'failure.' Your muscles have reached a point where they must momentarily recover before they will continue working the way your brain is telling them to work. Count out 3-5 breaths and then try again to get a few more. You're doing great. Just keep working at it." In fact, the only reason I know how to say those things to others is because I've said them to myself a million times in the middle of a WOD.

Even though I haven't really been able to challenge myself to the physical point of failure in the gym lately, I have more than met my share of it in the real world. And today, for whatever reason, has just been ripe with it.

A swim lesson that ended up being too cold sent my usually brave and cheerful little one into an absolute and total meltdown. And since this isn't our first rodeo with swim lessons that haven't gone the way I hoped, I'll be honest - it was discouraging and frustrating in the moment. I didn't react to her tears the way that I should have (I think I remember saying something like, "Look around, E....is there anyone else around here crying because it's a little cold outside?" Which, before you judge, was actually a lot kinder and gentler than the scream that I was forcing down at the moment). There were many moments of "failure" all wrapped up into that experience.

A play date that was scheduled last week for today with a sweet friend I have been trying to get together with for ages? Forgotten. Yep - just totally and completely forgotten in the moment of swimming tears and tiredness and trying to figure out what to do to get this day back on track. After scratching all the other things we had planned for the morning - library time, chiropractor, grocery store - and coming home and putting her straight to bed praying a nice nap/rest time would act as a "reset" button, I had just settled into some rest time myself when my phone rang from the kitchen for the third time in a row and it occurred to me that I was probably forgetting something important. Yep, I was. Shoot. Failure.

A tree service rep that came by three weeks ago gives me one price, then after making a friend-to-friend connection with my dad, quotes my dad a completely different (better) price than the one he gave me. Overall, this is definitely a success - a better price is always a good thing. But sometimes it's just hard in this world not to pull the feminism card and whine about the fact that men seem to work out better "deals" with other men than they do with women who are not as savvy on the market of "man" things. I talk with three different tree service men and get three pretty similar quotes (all obviously a little exorbitant), and my dad calls one guy and gets a $200 better deal which includes three whole extra trees and some large limbs off two others that weren't even part of the original discussion. Again, I know I'm complaining. In the end, we got a better deal and a good, fair price. But today it felt like I failed.

And then there's pregnancy. The constant day-to-day feeling that there's always something that I should be doing around the house or as a mom or as a wife or as a human...and yet the constant comments/pressure from those around me (that love me, I know...) that I need to be sitting down, putting my feet up, getting enough rest, taking care of this baby that is growing inside of me. So if I'm getting stuff done, I'm failing at resting. If I'm resting, I'm failing at getting stuff done. If I'm helping/parenting/playing with my four-year-old, I'm failing at resting. If I'm not helping/playing with her, I'm failing at parenting. And the battle rages on. Some days (today, for example), I just feel like a failure no matter what I choose.

Tomorrow I will probably write about rainbows and sunshine and giggles, or better yet - hopefully Jesus will invade my sinful, self-centered heart and remind me how stinking blessed I am and I will be able to come back tomorrow (or tonight) with a renewed heart and perspective on the things that really do matter. But today - for right now - this is just how I feel. This is just where I am. And it's where I need and am asking Jesus to meet me. And I'm trusting that he is able to do more than I can imagine.

Motherhood.

"Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for."
-Rachel Jankovic

I'm thankful to be a mom today.

Thankful for the one I have here in my arms, reminding me of the ways God goes before us and answers prayers we don't even know we should be praying, blessing us with things that we are not even sure how to ask for. The Lord has used E to both increase my faith and belief in Him and to sift selfishness and humanity out of me as I strive each day to be all I am called to be as a mom. She is a true joy to me, and a beautiful jewel in the crown of motherhood that I am so fortunate to be called to wear.

Thankful for the one I have kicking about in my belly this morning, reminding me of God's tender and true mercies and of His goodness and graciousness to us as He answers prayers that not only we have prayed for ourselves but that hundreds of others have prayed on our behalf. The journey of faith that I have been on with N has caused my faith in Jesus Christ to increase all the more.

Thankful for the two little ones that are already joined with Christ in heaven today. These two momentary gifts to me have caused me to dig deeply into the cross and find faith in places that I did not even know existed. They have challenged my misconceptions of who Jesus is and what God's purposes are for my life. Through them, God given me eyes and a heart that long for heaven and the fulfillment of the gospel and revelation of Jesus Christ. Through them, I have known the height and depth and breadth of the love of Christ and of His people to me. Because of them, I am convinced even more that my God is who He says He is, and that His desire for me is good and His affections for me are great.

And along the way, I have learned a deep and powerful lesson that none of them are truly "mine" - they all belong to the Lord. I am given a precious gift and mercy to steward them and demonstrate His love to them for as long as He allows, but their lives are all designed and destined to walk in step to His eternal calling and His perfect will.

PreK-3 Spring Program.

Tonight E had her little spring program for school at a local church. The kids were all - of course - strictly well-behaved, stood perfectly in a line, sang every word with perfect pitch and glorious harmony........right..................

It might be fair to say that in order to truly enjoy and appreciate a program where all the songs are sung off-pitch, none of the performers are ever right on cue, and chaos could potentially break out at ANY moment - you really need to be a parent or grandparent of one of the ones on the stage. Because all I could do the whole time I watched was smile and laugh at how perfectly the program portrayed my little one's personality and disposition at this age. I loved every moment.

Pressing on into thankfulness.

Today was one of those days. I feel like I could probably stop with that one sentence and half the people in the world would just nod their heads in either agreement or understanding. But since I probably won't remember why it was one of those days a year from now, I'll continue explaining.

Today was my "early" day at CrossFit. My morning started at 4:35am, and I got to the gym at 5:15am, breakfast shake at the ready. Even though I'm not technically a morning person, I have come to love early mornings at the CrossFit box, simply because I love the people there. I love coaching them, I love seeing them train hard, improve, accomplish goals, encourage each other on........the whole aura of CrossFit is just amazing.

But the early days wear on me for sure. By noon, when I'm grabbing lunch somewhere, I usually feel like I should call it dinner and start winding down for bed.

Anyway, so on top of the early morning today, I had several other things lined up: leave CrossFit, jet across town and pick up a prescription for hubby who was headed out of town today; make it home in time to change out of gym clothes into real clothes, freshen up, and grab a few necessities; meet hubby to head to Atlanta for a baby appointment; drop hubby off at airport for a business trip; beat the start of the afternoon Atlanta traffic; stop by Costco for a few necessities; pick up E by 5pm from after-school care; come home-dinner-bathtime-housework-bedtime-etc.; fall into bed exhausted at a reasonable hour.

Against all expert advice, I had left no room for "margin" today.

So, when I pulled into the pharmacy to pick up hubby's prescription and heard the "thump-thump-thump" of what I prayed would not be my car's left rear tire (and it was), I felt the walls close in a little.

By the time L had made it to where I was (instead of me coming to pick him up where he was), he had called a friend and made arrangements to have the spare tire put on while we were in Atlanta. Good husband and good friend.

Once in the car, I had to take some time to pray for God to quiet my anxious heart and replace my attitude of frustration at the circumstances with an attitude of thankfulness for the way He provided. I wanted to feel joyful that He took care of me, kept me safe even though my tire went flat, allowed my husband to easily switch plans to come to me, provided a friend at just the right moment so that I would not come home past dark to a car in an empty lot with a flat tire and a kid that needed to be in bed instead of out running errands. And as I prayed and started at that point to take inventory of all the mercies God poured out on me today, I did press on into thankfulness.

Thankfulness that:
-We have a healthy, growing little baby due in August. Seeing her sweet little face on ultrasound today was so so good.
-A friend that jumped at the ready to serve us by changing my flat tire across town during the middle of his busy day.
-Another friend who, after taking me to pick up my car and laughing aloud with me about the "toy wheel" that was meant to be a spare, followed me back across town driving all of 35 mph to be sure I made it home safely.
-Yet some other friends who care enough about my stupid vanity regarding the varicose and spider veins that seem to be plaguing my legs this pregnancy to coordinate efforts on helping me score some maternity stockings. It's worldly, it's insignificant on any kingdom level of thinking, but still it bothers me. And they care. And that means a lot.
-And another friend who was willing to play back-up on my childcare plans in the event that I got stuck in Atlanta traffic. Even though her list of things to do today was longer than mine.
-A husband who pursues me and insists on making me laugh.
-A bubble bath at the end of a long, tired day.
-A kiddo who sang every thought in her head to the tune of "The Star Spangled Banner" on the drive home from CrossFit while persisting that I played "hide-and-go-seek" with her in the car. Yes, we were both buckled and I was driving. No, I don't understand why it was still entertaining in her eyes, but it was.
-A good dog that scares away the bad guys at night (hypothetical, but still it calms my fears when L is gone overnight).

So many things to be thankful for today, and that's only a few. It was worth it to press through the thick cloud of anxiety about how this day would actually work and start tasting the fruit of joy and peace with how this day would work. And it did work.

And....I just cried like a baby.

The Story of Ian and Larissa.

Nothing that I could say could add to the beauty of this, so I won't try.

To be a fly on the wall.

If you were a fly on the wall in our household this week, here are a few quips/conversations you might have overheard:

E: "Mama, when N gets here, she's going to start getting spankings too, right?"

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E: "Mama, did you know Jesus is the Bost of the sea, and Jesus is the Bost of the wind, and Jesus is the Bost of the waves? Did you know that??"

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E (looking through pictures on my phone): "Mama, daddy is so so silly. (Flip to the next picture). And mama, you are so so beautiful."

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Daddy: "E, let's talk about why you were crying today at CrossFit."
E: "Well, daddy. I was ready to leave and I was just waiting and waiting and waiting, and you were just talking and talking and talking. So I just decided to start crying."

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E: "Mama, can I roll down the window so I can be cool?"
Me: "No, baby. We've got the air on so if you roll down the window it will let the hot air in."
E: "No it won't, mama. It feels cool outside."
Me: "Baby, it's hot outside."
E: "No I felt it - it's cool."
Me: "E, I'm not going to argue with you over this. I told you that you cannot roll down the window."
E: "I'm not arguing, mama. I'm telling the truth."
*insert stern glance from mama to kiddo in the rearview mirror*
E: "I...I...I didn't say anything mama. I don't want to be in trouble. Nothing I said mama. I didn't say anything."

Discipline gets harder and harder.

I've decided that disciplining your kids takes a huge turn when they start acting "offended" by your punishments/sentences instead of just simply being saddened by it.

In our house, because we've said it so often, E can probably tell you in her sleep what the gravest crimes are: lying and disobeying (deliberately). She knows what the punishment is for these crimes. She shouldn't be caught off guard when we get to the point of needing to correct these behaviors that are not only deemed inappropriate in our household but also are an offense to an Almighty God.

But lately, every time we get to the end of the road with these two issues and discipline is appropriate and even necessary, my right brain hesitates for a moment before my left brain hits the override button and continues forward with what must happen. It is difficult to break that relationship with her for even the slightest moment. It is hard to remind myself that this is for her (and our) good. It is tough to walk in obedience to the way the Lord has called me to parent and to trust the Him to do a work in her heart and remove sin and restore our relationship. Disciplining is NOT fun. And it used to come quite naturally and much easier, but I seem to be losing a grip on that too.

I'm sure some of it has to do with the fact that I'm tired and a little (a LOT) behind the eight-ball these days due to carrying around and growing another human inside of me. But a lot of it also has to do with the fact that E is developing so much these days. Our relationship is much more of a two-way street: for nearly as much love and care as I pour into her, she returns it with her own little words of affirmation and attempts at serving me and helping me. And when I must step into my God-given role of disciplining her, which - in turn - severs that relationship with her momentarily - she reacts now by withholding her love and affection for me, which hurts. A lot. For a short time, I do not get words of affirmation from her. For a moment in the day, she does not want to help me cook in the kitchen the way she did five minutes ago. Instead of just running off to her room crying like she did when she was two, she fights back by closing herself off to me while still in my presence. And I am left to pray desperately to the only Person left that can still speak to her in those moments - my (and her) heavenly Father.

And He is faithful. Though Satan stands ready to speak doubts in my ear each and every time I come to this fork in the road, God has remained faithful to His promise to continue to speak tenderly to her and call her out of the wilderness. My relationship with her after I follow through with loving, Spirit-filled discipline is always better than it was before. And because I definitely do not always get it right, I'm finding that it's even BETTER when I get the opportunity to apologize to her for my mistakes and frustration-filled reactions, asking her for forgiveness and giving her an opportunity to extend grace.

And, I'm sure it only gets more difficult the older they get. I guess that just means I get more opportunities to prove God's faithfulness. :)

The Gospel Truth.

“When kids are young, you just need to put stuff in them so that when you shake them, they just throw up Bible.” - J.D. Greear

Read this quote in a Trevin Wax interview with J.D. Greear. Made me laugh and shout "Amen" all at the same time. I think the point he was getting at was that kids don't need to be learning morality in their homes, they need to breathing gospel truth. Morality tells us that we should "do this" or "don't do that." Gospel truth tells us that we have a loving God that wants us to know Him and be like Him so that we can enjoy the blessing of communion with Him and others forever and ever without the conflict of sin and pain and injury and death. The road to morality is abiding by the law and relying on our goodness alone; the road to Gospel truth is accepting grace from the hand of God and relying on the saving work of Jesus Christ and His Lordship alone. Morality ends in a story that's all about us; Gospel Truth ends in a story that's all about Jesus.

And our kids pick up on this vicariously through the way we teach them, correct them, discipline them, and love them. And we parents know the difference too - that outburst in the middle of the grocery store check-out lane or on the way out of the doors at church when our flesh reacts to the embarrassment of our child's behavior and we reach out and pull our child close, use a disapproving tone of voice and remind them of certain acceptable social manners that have no sure footing in Biblical truth. When our kids ask "why" and we respond with "because I said so" instead of taking a moment to root our instruction in the Word of God and give them one more connection to the reality and relevancy of the gospel. When we react with a little less than Godly love because we too are tired and ready for the comfort of our own bed, and - instead of humbly asking for their forgiveness and using the moment as an opportunity to teach them how to extend grace - we just pray that they will go to sleep quickly and forget about it by morning.

Our kids - like it or not - are "throwing up" only what they've eaten. And as an American (and especially Southern) society, we spoon-feed our kids morality lessons. We miss so many opportunities to extend them grace and forgiveness or ask them to extend grace and forgiveness to us, and then we wonder why they have a problem doing it at school with their own friends on the playground. We want scripture to be relevant to them, but we don't "teach them to [our children]" or "talk about them when [we] are at home and when [we] are on the road, when [we] are going to bed and when [we] are getting up" (Deut 11:19) the way that scripture commands. We want our kids to grow up to have a heart to serve others but we model selfishness for them, not necessarily by being selfish ourselves, but by ordering our family's world around serving their needs - their sports, their interests, their hobbies, their school activities. As parents, we lay our own lives down in "sacrifice" over the wrong altars, pointing our kids to worship everything that this world has to offer them and missing the burning bush completely.

And we do not do it intentionally. All parents (save a few) really do want what's best for their kids. Most Christian parents that I know really do want their kids to love Jesus. But sometimes, what I wonder is this: Do we want our kids to love Jesus because Jesus makes our kids more tolerable in the moment? Or do we want our kids to love Jesus because we want them to experience the blessing of a grace-filled relationship with Jesus for all of eternity?

Daddy love.

E has historically been quite the mama's girl, usually picking me over her daddy for most day-to-day occurrences - riding in the car, reading books at night, etc. Not sure why, really - that's just the way it's always been.

But these past few weeks, she's been noticeably a little more attached to her daddy and atypically preferring him over me in many situations. Which - to be honest - though it's been a little surprising, it's actually a little refreshing to see her bond with him become more evident.

She even broke down and cried one morning when she realized upon waking that her daddy had already left for work. Big crocodile tears because she missed her daddy. While one part of my heart broke, the other part swelled - I love that she's identifying the immense weight he carries in her life.

So, imagine my surprise when she walks up to a statue at a restaurant tonight that looked like this, and exclaimed: "Mama, I love him! He looks like my daddy!"

 

And, after remembering the photo of him that I snapped on my phone a week ago - one that makes her laugh out loud every time she sees it, I can almost see the resemblance...

Either way, though, I gotta say I'm lovin' this new-found love for daddy. I love him too, so it's just one more thing that she and I get to agree on. ;)