Motherhood.

"Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for."
-Rachel Jankovic

I'm thankful to be a mom today.

Thankful for the one I have here in my arms, reminding me of the ways God goes before us and answers prayers we don't even know we should be praying, blessing us with things that we are not even sure how to ask for. The Lord has used E to both increase my faith and belief in Him and to sift selfishness and humanity out of me as I strive each day to be all I am called to be as a mom. She is a true joy to me, and a beautiful jewel in the crown of motherhood that I am so fortunate to be called to wear.

Thankful for the one I have kicking about in my belly this morning, reminding me of God's tender and true mercies and of His goodness and graciousness to us as He answers prayers that not only we have prayed for ourselves but that hundreds of others have prayed on our behalf. The journey of faith that I have been on with N has caused my faith in Jesus Christ to increase all the more.

Thankful for the two little ones that are already joined with Christ in heaven today. These two momentary gifts to me have caused me to dig deeply into the cross and find faith in places that I did not even know existed. They have challenged my misconceptions of who Jesus is and what God's purposes are for my life. Through them, God given me eyes and a heart that long for heaven and the fulfillment of the gospel and revelation of Jesus Christ. Through them, I have known the height and depth and breadth of the love of Christ and of His people to me. Because of them, I am convinced even more that my God is who He says He is, and that His desire for me is good and His affections for me are great.

And along the way, I have learned a deep and powerful lesson that none of them are truly "mine" - they all belong to the Lord. I am given a precious gift and mercy to steward them and demonstrate His love to them for as long as He allows, but their lives are all designed and destined to walk in step to His eternal calling and His perfect will.

PreK-3 Spring Program.

Tonight E had her little spring program for school at a local church. The kids were all - of course - strictly well-behaved, stood perfectly in a line, sang every word with perfect pitch and glorious harmony........right..................

It might be fair to say that in order to truly enjoy and appreciate a program where all the songs are sung off-pitch, none of the performers are ever right on cue, and chaos could potentially break out at ANY moment - you really need to be a parent or grandparent of one of the ones on the stage. Because all I could do the whole time I watched was smile and laugh at how perfectly the program portrayed my little one's personality and disposition at this age. I loved every moment.

Pressing on into thankfulness.

Today was one of those days. I feel like I could probably stop with that one sentence and half the people in the world would just nod their heads in either agreement or understanding. But since I probably won't remember why it was one of those days a year from now, I'll continue explaining.

Today was my "early" day at CrossFit. My morning started at 4:35am, and I got to the gym at 5:15am, breakfast shake at the ready. Even though I'm not technically a morning person, I have come to love early mornings at the CrossFit box, simply because I love the people there. I love coaching them, I love seeing them train hard, improve, accomplish goals, encourage each other on........the whole aura of CrossFit is just amazing.

But the early days wear on me for sure. By noon, when I'm grabbing lunch somewhere, I usually feel like I should call it dinner and start winding down for bed.

Anyway, so on top of the early morning today, I had several other things lined up: leave CrossFit, jet across town and pick up a prescription for hubby who was headed out of town today; make it home in time to change out of gym clothes into real clothes, freshen up, and grab a few necessities; meet hubby to head to Atlanta for a baby appointment; drop hubby off at airport for a business trip; beat the start of the afternoon Atlanta traffic; stop by Costco for a few necessities; pick up E by 5pm from after-school care; come home-dinner-bathtime-housework-bedtime-etc.; fall into bed exhausted at a reasonable hour.

Against all expert advice, I had left no room for "margin" today.

So, when I pulled into the pharmacy to pick up hubby's prescription and heard the "thump-thump-thump" of what I prayed would not be my car's left rear tire (and it was), I felt the walls close in a little.

By the time L had made it to where I was (instead of me coming to pick him up where he was), he had called a friend and made arrangements to have the spare tire put on while we were in Atlanta. Good husband and good friend.

Once in the car, I had to take some time to pray for God to quiet my anxious heart and replace my attitude of frustration at the circumstances with an attitude of thankfulness for the way He provided. I wanted to feel joyful that He took care of me, kept me safe even though my tire went flat, allowed my husband to easily switch plans to come to me, provided a friend at just the right moment so that I would not come home past dark to a car in an empty lot with a flat tire and a kid that needed to be in bed instead of out running errands. And as I prayed and started at that point to take inventory of all the mercies God poured out on me today, I did press on into thankfulness.

Thankfulness that:
-We have a healthy, growing little baby due in August. Seeing her sweet little face on ultrasound today was so so good.
-A friend that jumped at the ready to serve us by changing my flat tire across town during the middle of his busy day.
-Another friend who, after taking me to pick up my car and laughing aloud with me about the "toy wheel" that was meant to be a spare, followed me back across town driving all of 35 mph to be sure I made it home safely.
-Yet some other friends who care enough about my stupid vanity regarding the varicose and spider veins that seem to be plaguing my legs this pregnancy to coordinate efforts on helping me score some maternity stockings. It's worldly, it's insignificant on any kingdom level of thinking, but still it bothers me. And they care. And that means a lot.
-And another friend who was willing to play back-up on my childcare plans in the event that I got stuck in Atlanta traffic. Even though her list of things to do today was longer than mine.
-A husband who pursues me and insists on making me laugh.
-A bubble bath at the end of a long, tired day.
-A kiddo who sang every thought in her head to the tune of "The Star Spangled Banner" on the drive home from CrossFit while persisting that I played "hide-and-go-seek" with her in the car. Yes, we were both buckled and I was driving. No, I don't understand why it was still entertaining in her eyes, but it was.
-A good dog that scares away the bad guys at night (hypothetical, but still it calms my fears when L is gone overnight).

So many things to be thankful for today, and that's only a few. It was worth it to press through the thick cloud of anxiety about how this day would actually work and start tasting the fruit of joy and peace with how this day would work. And it did work.

And....I just cried like a baby.

The Story of Ian and Larissa.

Nothing that I could say could add to the beauty of this, so I won't try.

To be a fly on the wall.

If you were a fly on the wall in our household this week, here are a few quips/conversations you might have overheard:

E: "Mama, when N gets here, she's going to start getting spankings too, right?"

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E: "Mama, did you know Jesus is the Bost of the sea, and Jesus is the Bost of the wind, and Jesus is the Bost of the waves? Did you know that??"

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E (looking through pictures on my phone): "Mama, daddy is so so silly. (Flip to the next picture). And mama, you are so so beautiful."

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Daddy: "E, let's talk about why you were crying today at CrossFit."
E: "Well, daddy. I was ready to leave and I was just waiting and waiting and waiting, and you were just talking and talking and talking. So I just decided to start crying."

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E: "Mama, can I roll down the window so I can be cool?"
Me: "No, baby. We've got the air on so if you roll down the window it will let the hot air in."
E: "No it won't, mama. It feels cool outside."
Me: "Baby, it's hot outside."
E: "No I felt it - it's cool."
Me: "E, I'm not going to argue with you over this. I told you that you cannot roll down the window."
E: "I'm not arguing, mama. I'm telling the truth."
*insert stern glance from mama to kiddo in the rearview mirror*
E: "I...I...I didn't say anything mama. I don't want to be in trouble. Nothing I said mama. I didn't say anything."

Discipline gets harder and harder.

I've decided that disciplining your kids takes a huge turn when they start acting "offended" by your punishments/sentences instead of just simply being saddened by it.

In our house, because we've said it so often, E can probably tell you in her sleep what the gravest crimes are: lying and disobeying (deliberately). She knows what the punishment is for these crimes. She shouldn't be caught off guard when we get to the point of needing to correct these behaviors that are not only deemed inappropriate in our household but also are an offense to an Almighty God.

But lately, every time we get to the end of the road with these two issues and discipline is appropriate and even necessary, my right brain hesitates for a moment before my left brain hits the override button and continues forward with what must happen. It is difficult to break that relationship with her for even the slightest moment. It is hard to remind myself that this is for her (and our) good. It is tough to walk in obedience to the way the Lord has called me to parent and to trust the Him to do a work in her heart and remove sin and restore our relationship. Disciplining is NOT fun. And it used to come quite naturally and much easier, but I seem to be losing a grip on that too.

I'm sure some of it has to do with the fact that I'm tired and a little (a LOT) behind the eight-ball these days due to carrying around and growing another human inside of me. But a lot of it also has to do with the fact that E is developing so much these days. Our relationship is much more of a two-way street: for nearly as much love and care as I pour into her, she returns it with her own little words of affirmation and attempts at serving me and helping me. And when I must step into my God-given role of disciplining her, which - in turn - severs that relationship with her momentarily - she reacts now by withholding her love and affection for me, which hurts. A lot. For a short time, I do not get words of affirmation from her. For a moment in the day, she does not want to help me cook in the kitchen the way she did five minutes ago. Instead of just running off to her room crying like she did when she was two, she fights back by closing herself off to me while still in my presence. And I am left to pray desperately to the only Person left that can still speak to her in those moments - my (and her) heavenly Father.

And He is faithful. Though Satan stands ready to speak doubts in my ear each and every time I come to this fork in the road, God has remained faithful to His promise to continue to speak tenderly to her and call her out of the wilderness. My relationship with her after I follow through with loving, Spirit-filled discipline is always better than it was before. And because I definitely do not always get it right, I'm finding that it's even BETTER when I get the opportunity to apologize to her for my mistakes and frustration-filled reactions, asking her for forgiveness and giving her an opportunity to extend grace.

And, I'm sure it only gets more difficult the older they get. I guess that just means I get more opportunities to prove God's faithfulness. :)

The Gospel Truth.

“When kids are young, you just need to put stuff in them so that when you shake them, they just throw up Bible.” - J.D. Greear

Read this quote in a Trevin Wax interview with J.D. Greear. Made me laugh and shout "Amen" all at the same time. I think the point he was getting at was that kids don't need to be learning morality in their homes, they need to breathing gospel truth. Morality tells us that we should "do this" or "don't do that." Gospel truth tells us that we have a loving God that wants us to know Him and be like Him so that we can enjoy the blessing of communion with Him and others forever and ever without the conflict of sin and pain and injury and death. The road to morality is abiding by the law and relying on our goodness alone; the road to Gospel truth is accepting grace from the hand of God and relying on the saving work of Jesus Christ and His Lordship alone. Morality ends in a story that's all about us; Gospel Truth ends in a story that's all about Jesus.

And our kids pick up on this vicariously through the way we teach them, correct them, discipline them, and love them. And we parents know the difference too - that outburst in the middle of the grocery store check-out lane or on the way out of the doors at church when our flesh reacts to the embarrassment of our child's behavior and we reach out and pull our child close, use a disapproving tone of voice and remind them of certain acceptable social manners that have no sure footing in Biblical truth. When our kids ask "why" and we respond with "because I said so" instead of taking a moment to root our instruction in the Word of God and give them one more connection to the reality and relevancy of the gospel. When we react with a little less than Godly love because we too are tired and ready for the comfort of our own bed, and - instead of humbly asking for their forgiveness and using the moment as an opportunity to teach them how to extend grace - we just pray that they will go to sleep quickly and forget about it by morning.

Our kids - like it or not - are "throwing up" only what they've eaten. And as an American (and especially Southern) society, we spoon-feed our kids morality lessons. We miss so many opportunities to extend them grace and forgiveness or ask them to extend grace and forgiveness to us, and then we wonder why they have a problem doing it at school with their own friends on the playground. We want scripture to be relevant to them, but we don't "teach them to [our children]" or "talk about them when [we] are at home and when [we] are on the road, when [we] are going to bed and when [we] are getting up" (Deut 11:19) the way that scripture commands. We want our kids to grow up to have a heart to serve others but we model selfishness for them, not necessarily by being selfish ourselves, but by ordering our family's world around serving their needs - their sports, their interests, their hobbies, their school activities. As parents, we lay our own lives down in "sacrifice" over the wrong altars, pointing our kids to worship everything that this world has to offer them and missing the burning bush completely.

And we do not do it intentionally. All parents (save a few) really do want what's best for their kids. Most Christian parents that I know really do want their kids to love Jesus. But sometimes, what I wonder is this: Do we want our kids to love Jesus because Jesus makes our kids more tolerable in the moment? Or do we want our kids to love Jesus because we want them to experience the blessing of a grace-filled relationship with Jesus for all of eternity?