I love to sleep. So it's no surprise really that I created a kiddo that loves to sleep too. And I probably did take for granted how quickly and easily she started sleeping through the night; with only a handful of exceptions, she's gotten a consistent, unbroken 9-10 hours of sleep every night since she was 10 weeks old. Before you hate on me, though, keep in mind I have another one coming in a few months....and I hear they are never the same. ;)
On the spiritual side, I do think it's interesting that God created us to sleep. His Word tells us that He created us in His image, yet also tells us that He never slumbers nor sleeps. Of all the things He chose to make us "human," I wonder why sleep was important to Him. I wonder why He felt the need to create the concept of "sleep."
Whatever the reasons, it's obvious that we DO need it. And that we suffer without it. And that we can choose to honor God with it in the same way we can choose to honor God with other daily activities (eating, drinking, working, playing, etc). D.A. Carson says:
"Doubt may be fostered by sleep deprivation. If you keep burning the candle at both ends, sooner or later you will indulge in more and more mean cynicism—and the line between cynicism and doubt is a very thin one. Of course, different individuals require different numbers of hours of sleep: moreover, some cope with a bit of tiredness better than others. Nevertheless, if you are among those who become nasty, cynical, or even full of doubt when you are missing your sleep, you are morally obligated to try to get the sleep you need. We are whole, complicated beings; our physical existence is tied to our spiritual well-being, to our mental outlook, to our relationships with others, including our relationship with God. Sometimes the godliest thing you can do in the universe is get a good night’s sleep—not pray all night, but sleep. I’m certainly not denying that there may be a place for praying all night; I’m merely insisting that in the normal course of things, spiritual discipline obligates you get the sleep your body need. (Scandalous, 147)
Monday, April 30, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Sister love.
I'm pretty sure E's already in love with her little sister. She asks about her, waves at her (at my belly), kisses her (my belly), has named some of her stuffed animals after her, and continuously asks if it's summer yet (since that's her only concept of the time frame for when N will arrive). I even walked into her room one night to find her up and out of bed, doing something I couldn't see because her back was turned. When I started to raise my voice with a stern reminder, "E, why are you out of bed...," she moved out of the way and I realized she was tucking one of her very special blankies around a doll she had placed in the other twin bed in her room. "But mom, the baby was crying so I had to give her one of my blankies." Heart...melted.
I know it won't be all (or even mostly) kisses and hugs around here, but I am looking forward to seeing my big girl interact with her little sis, and already scheming on if there's a right way to parent so that they can one day truly be best friends.
This same sweet bond has caused me probably the most apprehension about this pregnancy though. E talks rather frequently about the brother and sister that she has in heaven, and even announced to me one day in the car as we were driving, "You know my brother and sister in heaven, mama? One day God is going to give us our brother and sister back and we are going to see them and hold them and love them." What goes on in their little hearts and minds is truly amazing sometimes.
In fact, though I've held a lot of anxiety in my heart about this pregnancy, there's only been a few days that I've "lost it" and just cried my heart out before the Lord. And one of those days was a moment where I just simply broke down and begged the Lord not to take another sibling away from my little E. Because both of my previous pregnancies had progressed so far, she was already aware that I was pregnant and we had already talked about her being a "big sister." Though, maybe because of age or the Lord's good grace, she never really bonded to her brother or sister in my belly those times. But this time around - whether because she's older or because she's more sensitive to the fragility of it all or both - she's been so interested, so bonded, so quickly. And part of my fear for this pregnancy has been for how it will mark her and shape her understanding of the Lord if things don't "work out" the way she hopes and dreams.
But it definitely helped to admit that to the Lord and to myself that day, and I have started to trust a little more each day in N's future. And this past Thursday, when we went to the midwife clinic, I experienced another little moment between two sisters that I will cherish. When it came time for the midwife to measure my belly and listen to the heartbeat, she turned to E, "Want to help me measure your baby sister and find her heartbeat?" E perked up and they pulled a chair over to the table where I was sitting so that E could stand at the right level. The midwife assisted E in stretching out the tape over my belly, measuring my size in cm, and then comparing it to the circumference of E's head just for fun. Then she handed E the bottle of gel and E squeezed so gel onto the dopplar wand. Hand over hand, the midwife helped E place the wand on the right spot on my belly, and the heartbeat (and E's face) came to life. "There's your baby sister's heartbeat," the midwife said. E responded with a giggle and N with a kick. Me - my heart simply overflowed as I tried to blink back the tears.
I know it won't be all (or even mostly) kisses and hugs around here, but I am looking forward to seeing my big girl interact with her little sis, and already scheming on if there's a right way to parent so that they can one day truly be best friends.
This same sweet bond has caused me probably the most apprehension about this pregnancy though. E talks rather frequently about the brother and sister that she has in heaven, and even announced to me one day in the car as we were driving, "You know my brother and sister in heaven, mama? One day God is going to give us our brother and sister back and we are going to see them and hold them and love them." What goes on in their little hearts and minds is truly amazing sometimes.
In fact, though I've held a lot of anxiety in my heart about this pregnancy, there's only been a few days that I've "lost it" and just cried my heart out before the Lord. And one of those days was a moment where I just simply broke down and begged the Lord not to take another sibling away from my little E. Because both of my previous pregnancies had progressed so far, she was already aware that I was pregnant and we had already talked about her being a "big sister." Though, maybe because of age or the Lord's good grace, she never really bonded to her brother or sister in my belly those times. But this time around - whether because she's older or because she's more sensitive to the fragility of it all or both - she's been so interested, so bonded, so quickly. And part of my fear for this pregnancy has been for how it will mark her and shape her understanding of the Lord if things don't "work out" the way she hopes and dreams.
But it definitely helped to admit that to the Lord and to myself that day, and I have started to trust a little more each day in N's future. And this past Thursday, when we went to the midwife clinic, I experienced another little moment between two sisters that I will cherish. When it came time for the midwife to measure my belly and listen to the heartbeat, she turned to E, "Want to help me measure your baby sister and find her heartbeat?" E perked up and they pulled a chair over to the table where I was sitting so that E could stand at the right level. The midwife assisted E in stretching out the tape over my belly, measuring my size in cm, and then comparing it to the circumference of E's head just for fun. Then she handed E the bottle of gel and E squeezed so gel onto the dopplar wand. Hand over hand, the midwife helped E place the wand on the right spot on my belly, and the heartbeat (and E's face) came to life. "There's your baby sister's heartbeat," the midwife said. E responded with a giggle and N with a kick. Me - my heart simply overflowed as I tried to blink back the tears.
Friday, April 27, 2012
The Doctors.
In all honesty, when I first found out we were expecting little N, I wasn't exactly thrilled. It's not that I was opposed to the idea of being pregnant again, my heart just was not ready. I had just recently had a miscarriage with no known causes or reasons - my second time having a 2nd-trimester miscarriage - and I was still being tossed around by the idea of a God that would choose to take not just one but two seemingly perfectly healthy babies onto heaven when - in my opinion - they would've had a pretty decent life here on earth (I know that sounds so arrogant (it is), but it's honestly one of the things I struggled with the most).
My mothering instincts kicked in quickly though, regardless of whether my heart was going to engage or not. I scheduled an appointment with yet another OB, hoping this time that someone would give me an answer to why I could so easily get pregnant but not carry a baby to term - this fact alone was becoming maddening.
My first visit with the new OB proved she wasn't for me, though. I'm sure she was truly great in her field, but I was looking for answers and she just wanted me to trust that she could take care of me without filling me in on all the details and allowing me to bring my questions and thoughts and limited research to the table. Probably a great way to run a practice (she IS the expert), but this girl was having a hard enough time trusting GOD - much less a human.
On the advice of agood great friend, I ended up at a midwife clinic about an hour and a half away - definitely a haul but totally worth it so far. They ended up referring me to a specialist and it was there that I finally started to get some (earthly) answers regarding the source of my prenatal issues. The bottom line is that I have some genetic predispositions plus some acute immunodeficiency responses that are combining to make my womb a difficult place for a baby to thrive. There are some medical interventions that the specialist recommended that we are currently following that has seemed so far to allow me to continue unhindered with this pregnancy. But the funny/interesting part is that many of these issues, because they are genetic, were present when I was pregnant with E as well, and I never had any problems at all with her pregnancy. Which wraps back around to God's sovereignty and omnipotence in all things, leaving me thankful for modern medicine but ultimately completely dependent on the grace and mercy that the Lord provides to us on a daily basis regarding the future of our family (well, and all other things really).
My mothering instincts kicked in quickly though, regardless of whether my heart was going to engage or not. I scheduled an appointment with yet another OB, hoping this time that someone would give me an answer to why I could so easily get pregnant but not carry a baby to term - this fact alone was becoming maddening.
My first visit with the new OB proved she wasn't for me, though. I'm sure she was truly great in her field, but I was looking for answers and she just wanted me to trust that she could take care of me without filling me in on all the details and allowing me to bring my questions and thoughts and limited research to the table. Probably a great way to run a practice (she IS the expert), but this girl was having a hard enough time trusting GOD - much less a human.
On the advice of a
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Faith is NOT active?
"Faith means not doing something but receiving something; it means not
the earning of a reward but the acceptance of a gift. A man can never be
said to obtain a thing for himself if he obtains it by faith; indeed to
say that he does not obtain it for himself but permits another to
obtain it for him. Faith, in other words, is not active but passive; and
to say that we are saved by faith is to say that we do not save
ourselves but are saved only by the one in whom our faith is reposed;
the faith of man presupposes the sovereign grace of God." -J. Gresham Machen
I don't know about you, but I got kinda dizzy the first time through reading the above quote. So I read it again. And again.
And I kept getting stuck on the phrase "faith...is not active but passive." Wait...what? Did he really mean to say that? But I think he did.
As I look back over the past few months and consider my "faith," I must admit that I've spent a lot of time launching darts at myself for not having enough faith. But as I read the above words (and Galatians 2:16), I realize that the root is not my lack of faith but my lack of God. The places in my heart and mind that struggled with believing in His plans for me were places that I had yet to allow God to invade with His Truth. I couldn't "turn on" the faith in those areas because I cannot create faith. And acceptance of faith requires humility and submission to God's infinite grace.
Author's Note: I'm sure this is probably an oversimplification of the full spectrum of "faith." This piece of it just happened to really strike me tonight as I considered the past few months of feeling so overwhelmed by the topic of faith and my seemingly small quantity of it in regards to the specifics of God's plan for our family's future. For the full article (which justifies and explains the quote much more fully, click here.)
I don't know about you, but I got kinda dizzy the first time through reading the above quote. So I read it again. And again.
And I kept getting stuck on the phrase "faith...is not active but passive." Wait...what? Did he really mean to say that? But I think he did.
As I look back over the past few months and consider my "faith," I must admit that I've spent a lot of time launching darts at myself for not having enough faith. But as I read the above words (and Galatians 2:16), I realize that the root is not my lack of faith but my lack of God. The places in my heart and mind that struggled with believing in His plans for me were places that I had yet to allow God to invade with His Truth. I couldn't "turn on" the faith in those areas because I cannot create faith. And acceptance of faith requires humility and submission to God's infinite grace.
Author's Note: I'm sure this is probably an oversimplification of the full spectrum of "faith." This piece of it just happened to really strike me tonight as I considered the past few months of feeling so overwhelmed by the topic of faith and my seemingly small quantity of it in regards to the specifics of God's plan for our family's future. For the full article (which justifies and explains the quote much more fully, click here.)
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
We get to choose.
A few weeks back, E and I were at home coloring - one of her favorite things for us to do together. At that moment, I think we were using colored pencils, which are of short supply in our house, so we were having to share a few select colors. As I finished with one and was headed for another, she reached down and grabbed two of them, holding them up to me.
"Mama, do you want the red pencil or the blue pencil this time."
"Hmm, I think I'll take the blue one."
Handing me the red one, she replied, "No, I want the blue one so you can have the red one first."
Because I'm her mama, I honestly could not have cared less which one I ended up with and was happy for her to use the blue one if that's the one she wanted. But, since there are rare opportunities for me to navigate appropriate "peer" interactions with her, and this was a situation that - if I had been a peer and she had offered me a choice and then didn't allow me to have what I requested - might cause some tension, I opted for a little instruction in social etiquette.
"Well, E - now that wasn't very nice. You offered me a choice between the red pencil and the blue pencil, and I chose the blue pencil. So the nice thing for you to do was to give me the blue pencil because that's the one I wanted when you asked."
And without skipping a beat (or taking a breath), she responded, "Well, mommy, sometimes we don't always get what we want. And when we don't get what we want, we don't pitch a fit. We just have to 'choose' our mind to have a good attitude. Because we get to choose whether we have a good attitude or a bad attitude, and Jesus wants you to choose to have a good attitude because that makes Jesus happy when we choose to have a good attitude. So you can be happy mama. And you'll get your turn with the blue pencil in a minute."
Yep, I know. I'm in trouble.
"Mama, do you want the red pencil or the blue pencil this time."
"Hmm, I think I'll take the blue one."
Handing me the red one, she replied, "No, I want the blue one so you can have the red one first."
Because I'm her mama, I honestly could not have cared less which one I ended up with and was happy for her to use the blue one if that's the one she wanted. But, since there are rare opportunities for me to navigate appropriate "peer" interactions with her, and this was a situation that - if I had been a peer and she had offered me a choice and then didn't allow me to have what I requested - might cause some tension, I opted for a little instruction in social etiquette.
"Well, E - now that wasn't very nice. You offered me a choice between the red pencil and the blue pencil, and I chose the blue pencil. So the nice thing for you to do was to give me the blue pencil because that's the one I wanted when you asked."
And without skipping a beat (or taking a breath), she responded, "Well, mommy, sometimes we don't always get what we want. And when we don't get what we want, we don't pitch a fit. We just have to 'choose' our mind to have a good attitude. Because we get to choose whether we have a good attitude or a bad attitude, and Jesus wants you to choose to have a good attitude because that makes Jesus happy when we choose to have a good attitude. So you can be happy mama. And you'll get your turn with the blue pencil in a minute."
Yep, I know. I'm in trouble.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
The lawn care issue in our marriage - Part 2.
You might ask: "So, J, if you really wanted the lawn mowed at a certain point in time, and you didn't want to pay someone to do it, then why didn't you just mow the lawn yourself?"
I'm so glad you asked that question. Really.
Try as I may, I'm a learned behaviorist at heart and (without Jesus) I tend to work off a natural worldview of "fairness." And in regards to chores, what's fair is that you take care of what you are supposed to be taking care of. Like I mentioned yesterday in regards to my thought-life about it all a few weeks back: "It's supposed to be your job anyway." Period.
So when I get to the fork in the road where I realize that either I can ask/nag/wait to see if L will take care of mowing the lawn, or I can take care of it myself, I start playing by "Love and Logic" rules.
If I mow the lawn, it will take me about 2 hours. Do I have an extra 2 hours in my day?
I don't actually have an extra 2 hours just laying around. But I could sacrifice some other things in order to maybe find 2 hours that I could use to take care of this chore he's obviously not tending to.
But what would I sacrifice??
Nobody gets hurt.......except for the fact that I've given the devil one little foothold, one little way to squeeze into our marriage. One little opportunity that he can then turn into a thousand other opportunities to deceive and destroy. As Paul puts it:
So, in spite of all the issues we DO have in our marriage concerning lawn care (taking out the trash, etc., etc.), I am thankful that the Lord has helped us (me) along in this one area by giving me the grace to confess my bitterness to Him and to my husband and start with a fresh opportunity today to try to love him and serve him better.
I'm so glad you asked that question. Really.
Try as I may, I'm a learned behaviorist at heart and (without Jesus) I tend to work off a natural worldview of "fairness." And in regards to chores, what's fair is that you take care of what you are supposed to be taking care of. Like I mentioned yesterday in regards to my thought-life about it all a few weeks back: "It's supposed to be your job anyway." Period.
So when I get to the fork in the road where I realize that either I can ask/nag/wait to see if L will take care of mowing the lawn, or I can take care of it myself, I start playing by "Love and Logic" rules.
If I mow the lawn, it will take me about 2 hours. Do I have an extra 2 hours in my day?
I don't actually have an extra 2 hours just laying around. But I could sacrifice some other things in order to maybe find 2 hours that I could use to take care of this chore he's obviously not tending to.
But what would I sacrifice??
'Me' time? Definitely not.And which option do I choose? The passive aggressive one, of course. The one where I get to throw as many punches as possible without messing up my hair or breaking a nail. The one where "nobody" gets hurt.
Blogging time? Nope.
Time with E? Not a chance.
Other chores - dishwashing, laundry, picking up, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom? Maybe - but then if he doesn't do those I will just have to find another time of the day/evening/middle of the night to do those things too.
Time with him? Now that's an idea.....hmmmm....I mean, I'm going to be frustrated with him anyway because I'm doing his chore. Maybe I'll just postpone my "me" time or my blogging time until tonight - when we usually try to spend some time together. That way, when he asks whether or not we can watch a movie together, I get to kill two birds with one stone: "Oh....soooo sorry babe. I wish we could! But I didn't get a chance to do x-y-z today because the lawn really needed to be mowed. Oh - but I didn't mind! I was happy to do it for you. I just can't spend time with you now because I have to take care of these other things. Oh, I promise I'm not mad. I know you'll take care of it sooner next time. Mmm-hmmm. Love you too. Good Night.
Nobody gets hurt.......except for the fact that I've given the devil one little foothold, one little way to squeeze into our marriage. One little opportunity that he can then turn into a thousand other opportunities to deceive and destroy. As Paul puts it:
"Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil...Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." -Ephesians 4:25-27;31-32Mark Driscoll further explains this passage in one of his sermons by talking about the progression that Paul lays out in verses 31-32: how bitterness, when it takes root in your heart, leads to wrath. How wrath grows into anger. How anger swells up and produces clamor. How clamor ends up slandering anothers' reputation. And finally ends in malice - the worst kinds of evil you can imagine. All because that seed of bitterness went unchecked and unconfessed and unforgiven. It seems little and insignificant and can even seem "fair" in the moment, but it's not biblical, it's not good.
So, in spite of all the issues we DO have in our marriage concerning lawn care (taking out the trash, etc., etc.), I am thankful that the Lord has helped us (me) along in this one area by giving me the grace to confess my bitterness to Him and to my husband and start with a fresh opportunity today to try to love him and serve him better.
Monday, April 23, 2012
The lawn care issue in our marriage - Part 1.
I've been thinking a lot about the whole "lawn care" issue in our
marriage, and after talking with a friend about it this morning, decided
I had some good ol' blogging (aka confession) to do about it. Over the weekend, what my blogging friends got was (maybe?) a nice little laugh after
reading a pretty heavy/serious blog about how wonderful (truly wonderful) my
husband is. What really went on behind the scenes is this:
And since the truth is what reminds us of our need for Jesus, what causes us to run to him for salvation and grace and mercy and peace and freedom from this crappy load of baggage that we carry in our hearts, our marriages, our friendships, our parenting each and every day.....the TRUTH is what I will cling to. Because the truth is that Jesus' blood covers my multitude of sins - but He can't do that unless I turn to him, confess, and believe He loves me and that He is willing and able to spread His garment over me and present me blameless and holy before the Father.
So I'm in the process of doing some confession about the above issues today. Tomorrow I will let you peak behind the scenes for a little more of the sinfulness I struggle with in regards to chores within our marriage. Just in case you bought the lie at any point in time that all people are born basically good. Ha.
(Stay tuned for Part 2...)
- 3 weekends ago, hubby mowed the lawn
(Yay, thanks hubby! :) - 2 weekends ago, it rained and schedule-wise, it just didn't work out for hubby to mow the lawn
(Oh, it's okay hubby - I know it was a busy weekend and you will get to it when you can. Wouldn't have wanted you to trade the little time we had together in order to do yardwork. Totally understand.) - Last weekend, hubby was gone from Friday afternoon until Sunday night and didn't have a chance to mow the lawn
(I know you were gone all weekend spending some much-needed time with your dad and brother, so I'm going to overlook the fact that our grass really needed to be cut this weekend. But I made a mental note to start dropping subtle hints that maybe you should try to figure out a time to get it in as soon as possible. I'm trying not to act frustrated about it. I thought about hiring a kid I know to do it, but decided I didn't want to figure out how to make it fit our budget this month, and it's supposed to be your job anyway. Grrrr. Repeat to myself that I'm trying not to act frustrated about it. But I also made another mental note to try to avoid having people over to the house until it's done.) - This past Thursday, my parents come to visit - my mom visits for the
first time in two months because she's been drowning in taxes for the
past four months.
(Ugh. I'm sure my parents are thinking before they even make it into the driveway - "How difficult is it to keep the lawn mowed?"FrustratedEmbarrassed about the condition of my lawn. I made another mental note to be more direct with you about mowing the lawn this weekend. - Friday night date night.
(Hmmm....wonder if I could get away with asking you to mow the lawn instead of taking me out on a date?) - Saturday morning. Raining.
(Ughhhhh..........) - Saturday night: And the "Passive Aggressive Award of the Year" goes to.......Yours Truly.
(Strategy: Write a really great blog about how awesome you are, followed by a quick little sarcastic jab at the end - meant mostly for humor - but also to once-and-for-all direct everyone's attention to the fact that MY LAWN REALLY NEEDS TO BE MOWEDTODAYYESTERDAYLAST WEEKTWO WEEKS AGO!!!
And since the truth is what reminds us of our need for Jesus, what causes us to run to him for salvation and grace and mercy and peace and freedom from this crappy load of baggage that we carry in our hearts, our marriages, our friendships, our parenting each and every day.....the TRUTH is what I will cling to. Because the truth is that Jesus' blood covers my multitude of sins - but He can't do that unless I turn to him, confess, and believe He loves me and that He is willing and able to spread His garment over me and present me blameless and holy before the Father.
So I'm in the process of doing some confession about the above issues today. Tomorrow I will let you peak behind the scenes for a little more of the sinfulness I struggle with in regards to chores within our marriage. Just in case you bought the lie at any point in time that all people are born basically good. Ha.
(Stay tuned for Part 2...)
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