Welcome, little N.

On August 5th, 2012 at 3:57 in the afternoon at Atlanta Medical Center, we welcomed Miss N into our family. Birthing her completely naturally in the water was by far one of the most incredible and fulfilling moments of my life. We are so thankful that she is here with us, and look forward to getting to know her more and more as the days unfold.

Failure.

With CrossFit, it's interesting how many times you come to the end of yourself within a "short" twelve-minute workout. As a coach, I can't even count the number of times that I've bent down next to someone to remind them - "You're okay. You're not dying. It's called 'failure.' Your muscles have reached a point where they must momentarily recover before they will continue working the way your brain is telling them to work. Count out 3-5 breaths and then try again to get a few more. You're doing great. Just keep working at it." In fact, the only reason I know how to say those things to others is because I've said them to myself a million times in the middle of a WOD.

Even though I haven't really been able to challenge myself to the physical point of failure in the gym lately, I have more than met my share of it in the real world. And today, for whatever reason, has just been ripe with it.

A swim lesson that ended up being too cold sent my usually brave and cheerful little one into an absolute and total meltdown. And since this isn't our first rodeo with swim lessons that haven't gone the way I hoped, I'll be honest - it was discouraging and frustrating in the moment. I didn't react to her tears the way that I should have (I think I remember saying something like, "Look around, E....is there anyone else around here crying because it's a little cold outside?" Which, before you judge, was actually a lot kinder and gentler than the scream that I was forcing down at the moment). There were many moments of "failure" all wrapped up into that experience.

A play date that was scheduled last week for today with a sweet friend I have been trying to get together with for ages? Forgotten. Yep - just totally and completely forgotten in the moment of swimming tears and tiredness and trying to figure out what to do to get this day back on track. After scratching all the other things we had planned for the morning - library time, chiropractor, grocery store - and coming home and putting her straight to bed praying a nice nap/rest time would act as a "reset" button, I had just settled into some rest time myself when my phone rang from the kitchen for the third time in a row and it occurred to me that I was probably forgetting something important. Yep, I was. Shoot. Failure.

A tree service rep that came by three weeks ago gives me one price, then after making a friend-to-friend connection with my dad, quotes my dad a completely different (better) price than the one he gave me. Overall, this is definitely a success - a better price is always a good thing. But sometimes it's just hard in this world not to pull the feminism card and whine about the fact that men seem to work out better "deals" with other men than they do with women who are not as savvy on the market of "man" things. I talk with three different tree service men and get three pretty similar quotes (all obviously a little exorbitant), and my dad calls one guy and gets a $200 better deal which includes three whole extra trees and some large limbs off two others that weren't even part of the original discussion. Again, I know I'm complaining. In the end, we got a better deal and a good, fair price. But today it felt like I failed.

And then there's pregnancy. The constant day-to-day feeling that there's always something that I should be doing around the house or as a mom or as a wife or as a human...and yet the constant comments/pressure from those around me (that love me, I know...) that I need to be sitting down, putting my feet up, getting enough rest, taking care of this baby that is growing inside of me. So if I'm getting stuff done, I'm failing at resting. If I'm resting, I'm failing at getting stuff done. If I'm helping/parenting/playing with my four-year-old, I'm failing at resting. If I'm not helping/playing with her, I'm failing at parenting. And the battle rages on. Some days (today, for example), I just feel like a failure no matter what I choose.

Tomorrow I will probably write about rainbows and sunshine and giggles, or better yet - hopefully Jesus will invade my sinful, self-centered heart and remind me how stinking blessed I am and I will be able to come back tomorrow (or tonight) with a renewed heart and perspective on the things that really do matter. But today - for right now - this is just how I feel. This is just where I am. And it's where I need and am asking Jesus to meet me. And I'm trusting that he is able to do more than I can imagine.

Motherhood.

"Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. You do not collect children because you find them cuter than stamps. It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for."
-Rachel Jankovic

I'm thankful to be a mom today.

Thankful for the one I have here in my arms, reminding me of the ways God goes before us and answers prayers we don't even know we should be praying, blessing us with things that we are not even sure how to ask for. The Lord has used E to both increase my faith and belief in Him and to sift selfishness and humanity out of me as I strive each day to be all I am called to be as a mom. She is a true joy to me, and a beautiful jewel in the crown of motherhood that I am so fortunate to be called to wear.

Thankful for the one I have kicking about in my belly this morning, reminding me of God's tender and true mercies and of His goodness and graciousness to us as He answers prayers that not only we have prayed for ourselves but that hundreds of others have prayed on our behalf. The journey of faith that I have been on with N has caused my faith in Jesus Christ to increase all the more.

Thankful for the two little ones that are already joined with Christ in heaven today. These two momentary gifts to me have caused me to dig deeply into the cross and find faith in places that I did not even know existed. They have challenged my misconceptions of who Jesus is and what God's purposes are for my life. Through them, God given me eyes and a heart that long for heaven and the fulfillment of the gospel and revelation of Jesus Christ. Through them, I have known the height and depth and breadth of the love of Christ and of His people to me. Because of them, I am convinced even more that my God is who He says He is, and that His desire for me is good and His affections for me are great.

And along the way, I have learned a deep and powerful lesson that none of them are truly "mine" - they all belong to the Lord. I am given a precious gift and mercy to steward them and demonstrate His love to them for as long as He allows, but their lives are all designed and destined to walk in step to His eternal calling and His perfect will.

PreK-3 Spring Program.

Tonight E had her little spring program for school at a local church. The kids were all - of course - strictly well-behaved, stood perfectly in a line, sang every word with perfect pitch and glorious harmony........right..................

It might be fair to say that in order to truly enjoy and appreciate a program where all the songs are sung off-pitch, none of the performers are ever right on cue, and chaos could potentially break out at ANY moment - you really need to be a parent or grandparent of one of the ones on the stage. Because all I could do the whole time I watched was smile and laugh at how perfectly the program portrayed my little one's personality and disposition at this age. I loved every moment.

Pressing on into thankfulness.

Today was one of those days. I feel like I could probably stop with that one sentence and half the people in the world would just nod their heads in either agreement or understanding. But since I probably won't remember why it was one of those days a year from now, I'll continue explaining.

Today was my "early" day at CrossFit. My morning started at 4:35am, and I got to the gym at 5:15am, breakfast shake at the ready. Even though I'm not technically a morning person, I have come to love early mornings at the CrossFit box, simply because I love the people there. I love coaching them, I love seeing them train hard, improve, accomplish goals, encourage each other on........the whole aura of CrossFit is just amazing.

But the early days wear on me for sure. By noon, when I'm grabbing lunch somewhere, I usually feel like I should call it dinner and start winding down for bed.

Anyway, so on top of the early morning today, I had several other things lined up: leave CrossFit, jet across town and pick up a prescription for hubby who was headed out of town today; make it home in time to change out of gym clothes into real clothes, freshen up, and grab a few necessities; meet hubby to head to Atlanta for a baby appointment; drop hubby off at airport for a business trip; beat the start of the afternoon Atlanta traffic; stop by Costco for a few necessities; pick up E by 5pm from after-school care; come home-dinner-bathtime-housework-bedtime-etc.; fall into bed exhausted at a reasonable hour.

Against all expert advice, I had left no room for "margin" today.

So, when I pulled into the pharmacy to pick up hubby's prescription and heard the "thump-thump-thump" of what I prayed would not be my car's left rear tire (and it was), I felt the walls close in a little.

By the time L had made it to where I was (instead of me coming to pick him up where he was), he had called a friend and made arrangements to have the spare tire put on while we were in Atlanta. Good husband and good friend.

Once in the car, I had to take some time to pray for God to quiet my anxious heart and replace my attitude of frustration at the circumstances with an attitude of thankfulness for the way He provided. I wanted to feel joyful that He took care of me, kept me safe even though my tire went flat, allowed my husband to easily switch plans to come to me, provided a friend at just the right moment so that I would not come home past dark to a car in an empty lot with a flat tire and a kid that needed to be in bed instead of out running errands. And as I prayed and started at that point to take inventory of all the mercies God poured out on me today, I did press on into thankfulness.

Thankfulness that:
-We have a healthy, growing little baby due in August. Seeing her sweet little face on ultrasound today was so so good.
-A friend that jumped at the ready to serve us by changing my flat tire across town during the middle of his busy day.
-Another friend who, after taking me to pick up my car and laughing aloud with me about the "toy wheel" that was meant to be a spare, followed me back across town driving all of 35 mph to be sure I made it home safely.
-Yet some other friends who care enough about my stupid vanity regarding the varicose and spider veins that seem to be plaguing my legs this pregnancy to coordinate efforts on helping me score some maternity stockings. It's worldly, it's insignificant on any kingdom level of thinking, but still it bothers me. And they care. And that means a lot.
-And another friend who was willing to play back-up on my childcare plans in the event that I got stuck in Atlanta traffic. Even though her list of things to do today was longer than mine.
-A husband who pursues me and insists on making me laugh.
-A bubble bath at the end of a long, tired day.
-A kiddo who sang every thought in her head to the tune of "The Star Spangled Banner" on the drive home from CrossFit while persisting that I played "hide-and-go-seek" with her in the car. Yes, we were both buckled and I was driving. No, I don't understand why it was still entertaining in her eyes, but it was.
-A good dog that scares away the bad guys at night (hypothetical, but still it calms my fears when L is gone overnight).

So many things to be thankful for today, and that's only a few. It was worth it to press through the thick cloud of anxiety about how this day would actually work and start tasting the fruit of joy and peace with how this day would work. And it did work.

And....I just cried like a baby.

The Story of Ian and Larissa.

Nothing that I could say could add to the beauty of this, so I won't try.

To be a fly on the wall.

If you were a fly on the wall in our household this week, here are a few quips/conversations you might have overheard:

E: "Mama, when N gets here, she's going to start getting spankings too, right?"

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E: "Mama, did you know Jesus is the Bost of the sea, and Jesus is the Bost of the wind, and Jesus is the Bost of the waves? Did you know that??"

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E (looking through pictures on my phone): "Mama, daddy is so so silly. (Flip to the next picture). And mama, you are so so beautiful."

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Daddy: "E, let's talk about why you were crying today at CrossFit."
E: "Well, daddy. I was ready to leave and I was just waiting and waiting and waiting, and you were just talking and talking and talking. So I just decided to start crying."

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E: "Mama, can I roll down the window so I can be cool?"
Me: "No, baby. We've got the air on so if you roll down the window it will let the hot air in."
E: "No it won't, mama. It feels cool outside."
Me: "Baby, it's hot outside."
E: "No I felt it - it's cool."
Me: "E, I'm not going to argue with you over this. I told you that you cannot roll down the window."
E: "I'm not arguing, mama. I'm telling the truth."
*insert stern glance from mama to kiddo in the rearview mirror*
E: "I...I...I didn't say anything mama. I don't want to be in trouble. Nothing I said mama. I didn't say anything."